Thanks for this! I've always hated small dick jokes—another aspect that a lot of people don't consider is the transphobia inherent in them, too. These jokes invalidate the manhood of trans men by equating hotness, masculinity, and sexual prowess with a large penis.
eeesh, i think there's so many people guilty of this, and i'm putting my hand up and saying that i've made comments like this, despite not ever wanting to use a person's body part to make a negative comment about their personality. you explain pretty well why a lot of people still think the 'small dick' comments are still fair game. i am taking this essay as a slap-on-the-wrist reminder!
Thanks for this piece. I've had it saved for awhile. Part of that is because I've been busy and then sick. Honestly, I think a lot of it has been not wanting to critically review my own harmful jokes and snide remarks. Can you do "can't get it up" next? :)
Seriously, though - I'm 45 with ADHD (mostly undiagnosed) that i no longer medicate with alcohol and a history of depression since at least middle school. So things (or a thing, my penis) don't work like they're societally expected to quite often. It's made me more aware of just how much societal shaming of things often out of our control can affect levels of shame/depression/anger/relationship problems and just the idea that there's something specific about me I need to address or fix to be acceptable. Words are powerful, man.
I’ve dated many amazing men and at the time I was dating them, I was into ALL of them. This essay reminded me how often I expect my significant other to see what I think is “wrong” with me and he’s rarely even noticed what I’m looking at. It would be wonderful if we could surgically remove this kind of toxic talk from the culture. We love people, not their penises (or whatever stereotypical gender indicators you want here). Body acceptance is for everyone ❤️
I have to agree that this is a big problem. I don't want to get too personal, but in my experience, because of how society makes men feel about themselves, even to the point of it being painful to have intercourse, there is no size a man will accept as "big." My guess as someone assigned female at birth is that because he has never gotten positive acceptance, I assume by other men, complexes just grow and grow. In some cases, no matter how above average a man's member is. There is only so much room inside there, you know. And the answer "Well a vagina can give birth" is not a good answer either... giving birth hurts you know. LOL
Wow! I admit that this post was eye-opening for me. I could have (and should have) connected the dots on my own, but you’re right, dick jokes just felt fair game. When women’s bodies are brought into the conversation as an insult, I often think “how childish and uncreative”, but I don’t apply that same thinking to small dick jokes. But thinking about subbing in vagina or fat women insults in the same contexts as little dick insults was illuminating.
I also think it’s an incredibly powerful message you bring up that bettering body culture means body culture is better for *everyone*. I know you’ve written about body shaming hot people before. This post hit me similarly to the hot people shaming post. I’m quick to recognize that body shaming is wrong for some, but not for all (i.e., hot people and jerks that happen to be men). Thanks for always making me do some self reflection!
Firstly, great post that addresses a little discussed topic. I don't understand why it's okay to shame men about body parts when there is a strong movement to not do the same about women's (and other genders) body parts. The term "loose vagina energy" would be met with outrage (hopefully). Men have just as many self-perceived issues with their bodies without others shaming their most masculine body part. This shaming also affects men's sexual worth too.
What's interesting is that during the generation I grew up in there was no focus that I can remember about penis size by either other men or by women. It just wasn't talked about because it wasn't seen as abnormal or something to be shamed about. Women however were treated much, much differently in regards to their bodies. Their worth was often measured by body parts. When did this focus on male genital size begin?
One thing about penis size that I would like to mention is men's idea about what is normal or abnormal about penis size. What is often considered small or less than average is within range of what many penis studies have defined as normal. Men with very large penises are statistically less common. I think what contributes to a skewed perception of penis size is men with larger penises are more likely to be shown on social media and porn. I frequently tell men who think their penises are small to research the studies on penis size. Also, find photos containing large groups of men preferably in a public setting. Gatherings of nudists such as participants in the WNBR or nudists on the beach are good reference samples. The penis sizes correlate very well with the statistical distributions found by studies.
I think we men need out own Me Too movement, not just for the issue of penis size, but many other toxic perceptions of us. We have become demonized and diminished because of unfair perceptions that have become popular.
Brilliantly presented. Thank you for this. And for the inclusivity as well. As a transman (who was also a geriatric pregnant person not so many years ago) I hear so many words laced with judgement and cruelty about all types of bodies, and they've all been used against me. Society as a whole can do better.
I think others have alluded to this, but "small dick energy" feels inherently anti-feminist at heart. Because we all know the only thing to please any woman is a "big dick." So then how to interpret this as a transman? Yeesh. It's like built-in dysphoria from the moment we come out.
This is great, Mikala! I’ve honestly never seen another piece like this in 20 years of writing online. Hypocrisy abounds when it comes to dating and people justify behaviors they’d decry if they went in the other direction. Thanks for calling it out. Will share on my newsletter and write a recommendation of yours.
Such a great piece… Last year I became aware of how casually I body shamed men! and decided to stop doing it, because I wouldn't want to be the focus of that myself, and certainly don't want that aimed at the man I love, who is perfect just the way he is.
Thank you for this. It's been needing said by someone in the space for a long time.
I'd like to add that the general use of the term "dick" to mean someone who is aggressive, uncomfortable, uptight, stupid, obnoxious, etc. is something that needs examining. Are we comfortable implying that to be like a penis is to be bad? Rude? Cruel? To be rejected? We seldom mention the fact that the penis is a body part through which men experience and share pleasure and connection. "Being a dick" does not, I think, mean what it should. Why?
So so good. This sparked a conversation with my roommates the night I read it and has shifted how we think about this ‘humor’ -- basically a shift back to compassion and considering the impact of our words. Another brilliant hot take, thanks Michaela 😁❤️
Thanks for this! I've always hated small dick jokes—another aspect that a lot of people don't consider is the transphobia inherent in them, too. These jokes invalidate the manhood of trans men by equating hotness, masculinity, and sexual prowess with a large penis.
eeesh, i think there's so many people guilty of this, and i'm putting my hand up and saying that i've made comments like this, despite not ever wanting to use a person's body part to make a negative comment about their personality. you explain pretty well why a lot of people still think the 'small dick' comments are still fair game. i am taking this essay as a slap-on-the-wrist reminder!
Thanks for this piece. I've had it saved for awhile. Part of that is because I've been busy and then sick. Honestly, I think a lot of it has been not wanting to critically review my own harmful jokes and snide remarks. Can you do "can't get it up" next? :)
Seriously, though - I'm 45 with ADHD (mostly undiagnosed) that i no longer medicate with alcohol and a history of depression since at least middle school. So things (or a thing, my penis) don't work like they're societally expected to quite often. It's made me more aware of just how much societal shaming of things often out of our control can affect levels of shame/depression/anger/relationship problems and just the idea that there's something specific about me I need to address or fix to be acceptable. Words are powerful, man.
I’ve dated many amazing men and at the time I was dating them, I was into ALL of them. This essay reminded me how often I expect my significant other to see what I think is “wrong” with me and he’s rarely even noticed what I’m looking at. It would be wonderful if we could surgically remove this kind of toxic talk from the culture. We love people, not their penises (or whatever stereotypical gender indicators you want here). Body acceptance is for everyone ❤️
THIS. I cringe every time I see this "joke" and I will call out any "feminist" that uses it. It's such a lazy dig at someone by this point, anyway.
I have to agree that this is a big problem. I don't want to get too personal, but in my experience, because of how society makes men feel about themselves, even to the point of it being painful to have intercourse, there is no size a man will accept as "big." My guess as someone assigned female at birth is that because he has never gotten positive acceptance, I assume by other men, complexes just grow and grow. In some cases, no matter how above average a man's member is. There is only so much room inside there, you know. And the answer "Well a vagina can give birth" is not a good answer either... giving birth hurts you know. LOL
Wow! I admit that this post was eye-opening for me. I could have (and should have) connected the dots on my own, but you’re right, dick jokes just felt fair game. When women’s bodies are brought into the conversation as an insult, I often think “how childish and uncreative”, but I don’t apply that same thinking to small dick jokes. But thinking about subbing in vagina or fat women insults in the same contexts as little dick insults was illuminating.
I also think it’s an incredibly powerful message you bring up that bettering body culture means body culture is better for *everyone*. I know you’ve written about body shaming hot people before. This post hit me similarly to the hot people shaming post. I’m quick to recognize that body shaming is wrong for some, but not for all (i.e., hot people and jerks that happen to be men). Thanks for always making me do some self reflection!
Firstly, great post that addresses a little discussed topic. I don't understand why it's okay to shame men about body parts when there is a strong movement to not do the same about women's (and other genders) body parts. The term "loose vagina energy" would be met with outrage (hopefully). Men have just as many self-perceived issues with their bodies without others shaming their most masculine body part. This shaming also affects men's sexual worth too.
What's interesting is that during the generation I grew up in there was no focus that I can remember about penis size by either other men or by women. It just wasn't talked about because it wasn't seen as abnormal or something to be shamed about. Women however were treated much, much differently in regards to their bodies. Their worth was often measured by body parts. When did this focus on male genital size begin?
One thing about penis size that I would like to mention is men's idea about what is normal or abnormal about penis size. What is often considered small or less than average is within range of what many penis studies have defined as normal. Men with very large penises are statistically less common. I think what contributes to a skewed perception of penis size is men with larger penises are more likely to be shown on social media and porn. I frequently tell men who think their penises are small to research the studies on penis size. Also, find photos containing large groups of men preferably in a public setting. Gatherings of nudists such as participants in the WNBR or nudists on the beach are good reference samples. The penis sizes correlate very well with the statistical distributions found by studies.
I think we men need out own Me Too movement, not just for the issue of penis size, but many other toxic perceptions of us. We have become demonized and diminished because of unfair perceptions that have become popular.
Brilliantly presented. Thank you for this. And for the inclusivity as well. As a transman (who was also a geriatric pregnant person not so many years ago) I hear so many words laced with judgement and cruelty about all types of bodies, and they've all been used against me. Society as a whole can do better.
I think others have alluded to this, but "small dick energy" feels inherently anti-feminist at heart. Because we all know the only thing to please any woman is a "big dick." So then how to interpret this as a transman? Yeesh. It's like built-in dysphoria from the moment we come out.
This is great, Mikala! I’ve honestly never seen another piece like this in 20 years of writing online. Hypocrisy abounds when it comes to dating and people justify behaviors they’d decry if they went in the other direction. Thanks for calling it out. Will share on my newsletter and write a recommendation of yours.
Thank you very much, great post and point. I am happy someone is saying it.
Excellent post. Really thought provoking.
I feel similarly about single women who make it their whole personality to never date short or bald men
Such a great piece… Last year I became aware of how casually I body shamed men! and decided to stop doing it, because I wouldn't want to be the focus of that myself, and certainly don't want that aimed at the man I love, who is perfect just the way he is.
Thank you for this. It's been needing said by someone in the space for a long time.
I'd like to add that the general use of the term "dick" to mean someone who is aggressive, uncomfortable, uptight, stupid, obnoxious, etc. is something that needs examining. Are we comfortable implying that to be like a penis is to be bad? Rude? Cruel? To be rejected? We seldom mention the fact that the penis is a body part through which men experience and share pleasure and connection. "Being a dick" does not, I think, mean what it should. Why?
So so good. This sparked a conversation with my roommates the night I read it and has shifted how we think about this ‘humor’ -- basically a shift back to compassion and considering the impact of our words. Another brilliant hot take, thanks Michaela 😁❤️