Thanks for this! I've always hated small dick jokes—another aspect that a lot of people don't consider is the transphobia inherent in them, too. These jokes invalidate the manhood of trans men by equating hotness, masculinity, and sexual prowess with a large penis.
yes, 100%. i mention at the bottom that trans people are one of the targets of these jokes but that's the subject of an entire other essay i'd love to see tbh
I saw and I always appreciate how inclusive you are! It’s funny because I have a lot of thoughts about this topic and also as a trans person I get stuck on how cissexist the mainstream convos are--like, I fuck a trans guy who doesn’t have a penis but he does have a dick (as do I) and he also has lots of other dicks he can strap on and those are just as much “his” as his actual dick is. So sometimes I use terms that mean totally different things in a trans context which can feel like an entirely different convo than cis folks are having. Idk if that made any sense lololol
no i hear what you're saying and i think it speaks to how people are often just saying stuff over each other and everything gets really misinterpreted or taken in bad faith unless you're willing to read/listen/study
Thanks for this piece. I've had it saved for awhile. Part of that is because I've been busy and then sick. Honestly, I think a lot of it has been not wanting to critically review my own harmful jokes and snide remarks. Can you do "can't get it up" next? :)
Seriously, though - I'm 45 with ADHD (mostly undiagnosed) that i no longer medicate with alcohol and a history of depression since at least middle school. So things (or a thing, my penis) don't work like they're societally expected to quite often. It's made me more aware of just how much societal shaming of things often out of our control can affect levels of shame/depression/anger/relationship problems and just the idea that there's something specific about me I need to address or fix to be acceptable. Words are powerful, man.
This is such a good point I hadn’t thought of!! Shaming sexual function, what a thorny subject. Not quite the same maybe but it makes me think of the women who have taken issue with the term “geriatric pregnancy” (which I will almost certainly have one of myself, since I’m about to be 35). Even just calling it that medical term has made some women feel like their pregnancy or body is being shamed. Words mean things and obviously cut us very deeply.
YOU should write about the can’t get it up thing! I know that would require a lot of vulnerability but I am sure it would be very appreciated
The Manwhore podcast (actually a very sex-positive space) just did an episode on intimacy and the shaming of men in the bedroom with the wonderful Girl on the Net sex blogger... Well worth a listen:
eeesh, i think there's so many people guilty of this, and i'm putting my hand up and saying that i've made comments like this, despite not ever wanting to use a person's body part to make a negative comment about their personality. you explain pretty well why a lot of people still think the 'small dick' comments are still fair game. i am taking this essay as a slap-on-the-wrist reminder!
I’ve dated many amazing men and at the time I was dating them, I was into ALL of them. This essay reminded me how often I expect my significant other to see what I think is “wrong” with me and he’s rarely even noticed what I’m looking at. It would be wonderful if we could surgically remove this kind of toxic talk from the culture. We love people, not their penises (or whatever stereotypical gender indicators you want here). Body acceptance is for everyone ❤️
Yes!! it's the spotlight effect, sort of. We think people are seeing things to a much greater degree than they are. Our brains are so annoying this way lol
Wow! I admit that this post was eye-opening for me. I could have (and should have) connected the dots on my own, but you’re right, dick jokes just felt fair game. When women’s bodies are brought into the conversation as an insult, I often think “how childish and uncreative”, but I don’t apply that same thinking to small dick jokes. But thinking about subbing in vagina or fat women insults in the same contexts as little dick insults was illuminating.
I also think it’s an incredibly powerful message you bring up that bettering body culture means body culture is better for *everyone*. I know you’ve written about body shaming hot people before. This post hit me similarly to the hot people shaming post. I’m quick to recognize that body shaming is wrong for some, but not for all (i.e., hot people and jerks that happen to be men). Thanks for always making me do some self reflection!
This is great, Mikala! I’ve honestly never seen another piece like this in 20 years of writing online. Hypocrisy abounds when it comes to dating and people justify behaviors they’d decry if they went in the other direction. Thanks for calling it out. Will share on my newsletter and write a recommendation of yours.
Firstly, great post that addresses a little discussed topic. I don't understand why it's okay to shame men about body parts when there is a strong movement to not do the same about women's (and other genders) body parts. The term "loose vagina energy" would be met with outrage (hopefully). Men have just as many self-perceived issues with their bodies without others shaming their most masculine body part. This shaming also affects men's sexual worth too.
What's interesting is that during the generation I grew up in there was no focus that I can remember about penis size by either other men or by women. It just wasn't talked about because it wasn't seen as abnormal or something to be shamed about. Women however were treated much, much differently in regards to their bodies. Their worth was often measured by body parts. When did this focus on male genital size begin?
One thing about penis size that I would like to mention is men's idea about what is normal or abnormal about penis size. What is often considered small or less than average is within range of what many penis studies have defined as normal. Men with very large penises are statistically less common. I think what contributes to a skewed perception of penis size is men with larger penises are more likely to be shown on social media and porn. I frequently tell men who think their penises are small to research the studies on penis size. Also, find photos containing large groups of men preferably in a public setting. Gatherings of nudists such as participants in the WNBR or nudists on the beach are good reference samples. The penis sizes correlate very well with the statistical distributions found by studies.
I think we men need out own Me Too movement, not just for the issue of penis size, but many other toxic perceptions of us. We have become demonized and diminished because of unfair perceptions that have become popular.
such an interesting point about nudist gatherings. i wrote a piece here about going to a korean spa that requires nudity (in separate-sex spaces) and how much it helped my own body image, because you see so many different bodies at once, and you see how "normal" and imperfect everyone is
Brilliantly presented. Thank you for this. And for the inclusivity as well. As a transman (who was also a geriatric pregnant person not so many years ago) I hear so many words laced with judgement and cruelty about all types of bodies, and they've all been used against me. Society as a whole can do better.
I think others have alluded to this, but "small dick energy" feels inherently anti-feminist at heart. Because we all know the only thing to please any woman is a "big dick." So then how to interpret this as a transman? Yeesh. It's like built-in dysphoria from the moment we come out.
Thanks for writing this. I think this highlights a significant issue, one I didn't realise how big until recently when I changed jobs and started working in youth services with kids who no longer are in mainstream education. I assumed they would be SEN students or have specific educational requirements but I wasn't expecting the majority to be academically fine but refused to go to school for mental health reasons.
As I spent more time and settled in I learnt more about their situations, nearly all had self harmed or gone to the next step due to bullying and in most boys cases it was to with penis size and then being ridiculed/shamed in their previous schools. The girls had a much bigger variety of reasons the majority to do with gender identity, but seemed to be more of an internal conflict rather than a single public humiliation event.
Being in my late 40's, not having mobile phones at school, I hadn't thought about the additional challenge of camera phones and cyber bullying which played a significant role in compounding the situation, something that makes them feel like they'll never get past it.
There seems to be little empathy or understanding around for this issue in the media which regularly triggers flare ups in self harm and mental health episodes, which is why I'm grateful for articles like this that recognise that is an issue for some young men.
I think there's a long way to go though as wider society doesn't see this as an issue and I would say still don't understand it, as I see so many articles, saying that size doesn't matter and connecting the issue to masculinity and sexual satisfaction, when really it's mostly to do with public humiliation, shame and ridicule. I think most men in there early years were teased or made fun when naked by siblings or friends in a lighthearted way, then there's film and TV where the depiction of male nudity is usually accompanied by ridicule teaching boys that it's something to ashamed of.
If there was another group in society who's fears and insecurities were so well known, would we continue to use this as an accepted trope? These fears are exploited by sextortianist groups (I wasn't aware of before I started this job), leading to plenty of boys and young men committing suicide, which I'm now thinking could be a significant factor in the higher instances in males?
Thank you for this. It's been needing said by someone in the space for a long time.
I'd like to add that the general use of the term "dick" to mean someone who is aggressive, uncomfortable, uptight, stupid, obnoxious, etc. is something that needs examining. Are we comfortable implying that to be like a penis is to be bad? Rude? Cruel? To be rejected? We seldom mention the fact that the penis is a body part through which men experience and share pleasure and connection. "Being a dick" does not, I think, mean what it should. Why?
Such a great piece… Last year I became aware of how casually I body shamed men! and decided to stop doing it, because I wouldn't want to be the focus of that myself, and certainly don't want that aimed at the man I love, who is perfect just the way he is.
So so good. This sparked a conversation with my roommates the night I read it and has shifted how we think about this ‘humor’ -- basically a shift back to compassion and considering the impact of our words. Another brilliant hot take, thanks Michaela 😁❤️
Thanks for this! I've always hated small dick jokes—another aspect that a lot of people don't consider is the transphobia inherent in them, too. These jokes invalidate the manhood of trans men by equating hotness, masculinity, and sexual prowess with a large penis.
yes, 100%. i mention at the bottom that trans people are one of the targets of these jokes but that's the subject of an entire other essay i'd love to see tbh
I saw and I always appreciate how inclusive you are! It’s funny because I have a lot of thoughts about this topic and also as a trans person I get stuck on how cissexist the mainstream convos are--like, I fuck a trans guy who doesn’t have a penis but he does have a dick (as do I) and he also has lots of other dicks he can strap on and those are just as much “his” as his actual dick is. So sometimes I use terms that mean totally different things in a trans context which can feel like an entirely different convo than cis folks are having. Idk if that made any sense lololol
no i hear what you're saying and i think it speaks to how people are often just saying stuff over each other and everything gets really misinterpreted or taken in bad faith unless you're willing to read/listen/study
Thanks for this piece. I've had it saved for awhile. Part of that is because I've been busy and then sick. Honestly, I think a lot of it has been not wanting to critically review my own harmful jokes and snide remarks. Can you do "can't get it up" next? :)
Seriously, though - I'm 45 with ADHD (mostly undiagnosed) that i no longer medicate with alcohol and a history of depression since at least middle school. So things (or a thing, my penis) don't work like they're societally expected to quite often. It's made me more aware of just how much societal shaming of things often out of our control can affect levels of shame/depression/anger/relationship problems and just the idea that there's something specific about me I need to address or fix to be acceptable. Words are powerful, man.
This is such a good point I hadn’t thought of!! Shaming sexual function, what a thorny subject. Not quite the same maybe but it makes me think of the women who have taken issue with the term “geriatric pregnancy” (which I will almost certainly have one of myself, since I’m about to be 35). Even just calling it that medical term has made some women feel like their pregnancy or body is being shamed. Words mean things and obviously cut us very deeply.
YOU should write about the can’t get it up thing! I know that would require a lot of vulnerability but I am sure it would be very appreciated
The Manwhore podcast (actually a very sex-positive space) just did an episode on intimacy and the shaming of men in the bedroom with the wonderful Girl on the Net sex blogger... Well worth a listen:
https://youtu.be/UjgdzEYFAzw?si=gHZWTx7p7cWePLgE
eeesh, i think there's so many people guilty of this, and i'm putting my hand up and saying that i've made comments like this, despite not ever wanting to use a person's body part to make a negative comment about their personality. you explain pretty well why a lot of people still think the 'small dick' comments are still fair game. i am taking this essay as a slap-on-the-wrist reminder!
same! i definitely have let them slide without being critical about it. no intention to scold here, just thinking things through :)
me too!!!!! i really appreciated this piece bc of my “ignorance “
I’ve dated many amazing men and at the time I was dating them, I was into ALL of them. This essay reminded me how often I expect my significant other to see what I think is “wrong” with me and he’s rarely even noticed what I’m looking at. It would be wonderful if we could surgically remove this kind of toxic talk from the culture. We love people, not their penises (or whatever stereotypical gender indicators you want here). Body acceptance is for everyone ❤️
Yes!! it's the spotlight effect, sort of. We think people are seeing things to a much greater degree than they are. Our brains are so annoying this way lol
THIS. I cringe every time I see this "joke" and I will call out any "feminist" that uses it. It's such a lazy dig at someone by this point, anyway.
Wow! I admit that this post was eye-opening for me. I could have (and should have) connected the dots on my own, but you’re right, dick jokes just felt fair game. When women’s bodies are brought into the conversation as an insult, I often think “how childish and uncreative”, but I don’t apply that same thinking to small dick jokes. But thinking about subbing in vagina or fat women insults in the same contexts as little dick insults was illuminating.
I also think it’s an incredibly powerful message you bring up that bettering body culture means body culture is better for *everyone*. I know you’ve written about body shaming hot people before. This post hit me similarly to the hot people shaming post. I’m quick to recognize that body shaming is wrong for some, but not for all (i.e., hot people and jerks that happen to be men). Thanks for always making me do some self reflection!
I'm so glad you responded to it this way!! Thank you xo
This is great, Mikala! I’ve honestly never seen another piece like this in 20 years of writing online. Hypocrisy abounds when it comes to dating and people justify behaviors they’d decry if they went in the other direction. Thanks for calling it out. Will share on my newsletter and write a recommendation of yours.
Thanks so much Evan! Really appreciate the compliment and the share.
Firstly, great post that addresses a little discussed topic. I don't understand why it's okay to shame men about body parts when there is a strong movement to not do the same about women's (and other genders) body parts. The term "loose vagina energy" would be met with outrage (hopefully). Men have just as many self-perceived issues with their bodies without others shaming their most masculine body part. This shaming also affects men's sexual worth too.
What's interesting is that during the generation I grew up in there was no focus that I can remember about penis size by either other men or by women. It just wasn't talked about because it wasn't seen as abnormal or something to be shamed about. Women however were treated much, much differently in regards to their bodies. Their worth was often measured by body parts. When did this focus on male genital size begin?
One thing about penis size that I would like to mention is men's idea about what is normal or abnormal about penis size. What is often considered small or less than average is within range of what many penis studies have defined as normal. Men with very large penises are statistically less common. I think what contributes to a skewed perception of penis size is men with larger penises are more likely to be shown on social media and porn. I frequently tell men who think their penises are small to research the studies on penis size. Also, find photos containing large groups of men preferably in a public setting. Gatherings of nudists such as participants in the WNBR or nudists on the beach are good reference samples. The penis sizes correlate very well with the statistical distributions found by studies.
I think we men need out own Me Too movement, not just for the issue of penis size, but many other toxic perceptions of us. We have become demonized and diminished because of unfair perceptions that have become popular.
such an interesting point about nudist gatherings. i wrote a piece here about going to a korean spa that requires nudity (in separate-sex spaces) and how much it helped my own body image, because you see so many different bodies at once, and you see how "normal" and imperfect everyone is
Great comment Miala.
When you see too many perfect bodies in staged circumstances you get a distorted view of what's normal.
Brilliantly presented. Thank you for this. And for the inclusivity as well. As a transman (who was also a geriatric pregnant person not so many years ago) I hear so many words laced with judgement and cruelty about all types of bodies, and they've all been used against me. Society as a whole can do better.
I think others have alluded to this, but "small dick energy" feels inherently anti-feminist at heart. Because we all know the only thing to please any woman is a "big dick." So then how to interpret this as a transman? Yeesh. It's like built-in dysphoria from the moment we come out.
Thanks Robin! I agree with you :)
Thanks for writing this. I think this highlights a significant issue, one I didn't realise how big until recently when I changed jobs and started working in youth services with kids who no longer are in mainstream education. I assumed they would be SEN students or have specific educational requirements but I wasn't expecting the majority to be academically fine but refused to go to school for mental health reasons.
As I spent more time and settled in I learnt more about their situations, nearly all had self harmed or gone to the next step due to bullying and in most boys cases it was to with penis size and then being ridiculed/shamed in their previous schools. The girls had a much bigger variety of reasons the majority to do with gender identity, but seemed to be more of an internal conflict rather than a single public humiliation event.
Being in my late 40's, not having mobile phones at school, I hadn't thought about the additional challenge of camera phones and cyber bullying which played a significant role in compounding the situation, something that makes them feel like they'll never get past it.
There seems to be little empathy or understanding around for this issue in the media which regularly triggers flare ups in self harm and mental health episodes, which is why I'm grateful for articles like this that recognise that is an issue for some young men.
I think there's a long way to go though as wider society doesn't see this as an issue and I would say still don't understand it, as I see so many articles, saying that size doesn't matter and connecting the issue to masculinity and sexual satisfaction, when really it's mostly to do with public humiliation, shame and ridicule. I think most men in there early years were teased or made fun when naked by siblings or friends in a lighthearted way, then there's film and TV where the depiction of male nudity is usually accompanied by ridicule teaching boys that it's something to ashamed of.
If there was another group in society who's fears and insecurities were so well known, would we continue to use this as an accepted trope? These fears are exploited by sextortianist groups (I wasn't aware of before I started this job), leading to plenty of boys and young men committing suicide, which I'm now thinking could be a significant factor in the higher instances in males?
As one of those boys, Thank you for speaking into this reality. It feels impossible to talk about it, so it’s helpful to see that someone else can.
Thank you very much, great post and point. I am happy someone is saying it.
thank YOU for reading and saying so <3
Excellent post. Really thought provoking.
Thank you so much!
I feel similarly about single women who make it their whole personality to never date short or bald men
yeah this could be a whole other essay
Thank you for this. It's been needing said by someone in the space for a long time.
I'd like to add that the general use of the term "dick" to mean someone who is aggressive, uncomfortable, uptight, stupid, obnoxious, etc. is something that needs examining. Are we comfortable implying that to be like a penis is to be bad? Rude? Cruel? To be rejected? We seldom mention the fact that the penis is a body part through which men experience and share pleasure and connection. "Being a dick" does not, I think, mean what it should. Why?
Yep, like the much beloved "cunt" (terrible terrible word"
Such a great piece… Last year I became aware of how casually I body shamed men! and decided to stop doing it, because I wouldn't want to be the focus of that myself, and certainly don't want that aimed at the man I love, who is perfect just the way he is.
So so good. This sparked a conversation with my roommates the night I read it and has shifted how we think about this ‘humor’ -- basically a shift back to compassion and considering the impact of our words. Another brilliant hot take, thanks Michaela 😁❤️