Is there really a clean space where the "other" doesn't intrude? The internalisation of all the others who cohabit or intrude into even our most intimate private places is a challenge. It's called being a social, conscious human. Someone is watching most of the time either from without or within. No need to get too spooked, though, it is a dance, from and back into authenticity, a challenge to look boldly within.
really loved this piece!! i think a lot about this ticking time clock that’ll dictate when i’m no longer Hot Enough anymore, and realized that a lot of my supposedly empowering provocativeness was actually a mask to hide how scared i was about my lack of self-identity... when you buy in to cultural expectations of what womanhood should be so wholly that you refuse to cultivate or nurture your own self image, it is easy and convenient to brand your aesthetic appearance as one that you’re doing for yourself!!!
Found this piece via Substack Reads and I enjoyed it! I've always thought of women and fashion as being similar to men and working out. When guys say they're working out not to attract women but to feel better about themselves, defend themselves in potential fights, and gain more respect from other men, they're not lying. But an undeniable appeal of working out is to rise in the hierarchy amongst men, with one of the main benefits being able to date more attractive women (or men, if you're gay). With women and dressing hot, it seems to be the same dynamic: it's competition against the same gender, and while appealing to the gender you're attracted to is not the only goal, it's a critical one that makes the effort worthwhile.
As to why some women don't want to be honest about. You've already thoroughly explored it in your piece. I've noticed that in a lot of social justice movements about fighting beauty standards and promoting body positivity, its advocates rarely call for the outright abolishment of Vogue, Victoria's Secret, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, Hollywood rom coms, etc. Instead, it's usually about keeping everything the same, but swapping out the lead woman so that someone who's not conventionally beautiful gets to feel like a princess, which just proves that this crowd, despite its radical rhetoric, still really values being the hot girl in the conventional sense.
yes, excellent points. So often these things aren't either/or, they're both/and. I love working out because (as I write about all the time), it helped me recover from an eating disorder, made me stronger/more agile/more mobile, helped me sleep better, made me less injury prone, etc. etc. etc. -- but I *also* like how it makes me look. Two truths at once. And interesting point in your second graf. I've thought about this too, this idea that we need to expand the idea of what beauty is or whatever (yes, we should), but maybe we also need to consider that making "beauty," whatever it is, less important overall would probably be good for all of us. how do we do that? I have no ideaaaaa lol
amazing point about the swapping out the models! omg i’m actually so starstruck by that point! representation is such a big topic and the focal point has always been and never shifts from beauty beauty beauty. like we all are beauty, and i have been thinking a lot about why that is even important?
Love this! Re: plastic surgery transparency, one of the most refreshing things I’ve heard from someone who had it would be Jane Fonda. She says she wishes she had been brave enough to age naturally. I’m 46 and have tried to let go of the props I use to look attractive in out culture, but the conditioning is hard to shake.
While it's not the 'sexy' part, I've always subscribed to the notion that women dress for other women. A man is (almost) never going to notice my necklace, my handbag, or (negatively) that I've worn the same top the last two nights out.
I've never been a sexy dresser per se, but wore short skirts with opaque tights when that was in in the 90s. But then all my friends did as well. Men may have noticed (who remembers, lol) but it's not like I had supermodel legs and they weren't commented upon. I have a large chest, and tend to wear v necks exposing a little cleavage because a round neck tends to make me look like a larger expanse, and feels more restrictive. It's more of a comfort thing than a sexy thing.
really really really love this piece!! I think stripping down the 'why' behind most of our actions will help us get a nuanced view of ourselves and place our self worth in its proper brackets. Like Jessica DeFino has mentioned, it will lessen the appeal of a lot of things.
I recently had to explain to my beautifully striking outside, as well as in(ty j.c.)...that the pretty panty sets get them interested, they want to know more,,, but it's when we (male or female) wear pretty panties for ourselves, we get and keep our power ... Wear Your Pretty panties For YOURSELF!!!
"Some men would rather we become sexy for them in private and pretend it was an accident. I really could not care less." -- I felt this in my BONES. Never hit the subscribe button with such velocity in my life.
I haven't read this article yet, but I just had to comment. I saw this in my feed earlier this week and I made a mental note to come back to it. But that was at 2 am and I've spent more than an hour at this point searching substack and GOOGLE! to find your article and FINALLY I've found it and I'm eager to read it :)
So refreshing to read. I noticed a shift as I got into my 30s and when I became a mother that I’m less “allowed” to dress sexy. I really enjoyed feeling sexy when I went out in my 20s… the article has caused me to think twice about the “why not?”
I also admit I can be a tad judgmental of women who are trying to look very sexy at the gym sometimes. Just in my head… but Thanks for helping me to challenge that!
Glad it resonates with you :) I think many of us have that judgmental voice inside us. I always like to question where it's coming from. In the case of judging other women for dressing sexy, that opens up a whole can of worms about competitiveness, attention, values, morals...it's a lot, lol. Just trying to be thoughtful about all of it.
After leaving 'Office' work I ditched 125 ties, 64 button down shirts, penny loafers and Dockers pants. Now (retired) it's blue jeans, black 'T' shirts and New Balance cross trainers.
Discovery: What you find in someones heart is more important than all the Jimmy Choos and Rolexes combined.
I have walked that myself and at 61 years of age look better than any time in my life...when I accepted my size and continued to dress "sexy", I was more than a little thrown off when I lost 80 lbs and kept it off for 5 years now. Along with carving out a mindset of self awareness and leaving off baggage I was never meant to hold. I still cringe when people tell me they are so proud I lost the weight. I did nothing to lose it...I just gave it space to let it go..
Loved this piece! I work from home and am married and unfortunately “dressing for myself” these days means the comfiest and least sexy clothes possible. 🙈😂 But every now and then I’ll dress up for my husband to make him think I look attractive. But I’ve also struggled with how when I was “attractive” back in the day I felt I wasn’t because of said Jessica Simpson like incidents because I’ve always been a US 10ish size and not smaller so I struggled with body image even though I actually was quite thin at points. But like you, when I was on the thinner end, I’d get more validation. But definitely grad school me dressed sexy to get validation and sex!
Is there really a clean space where the "other" doesn't intrude? The internalisation of all the others who cohabit or intrude into even our most intimate private places is a challenge. It's called being a social, conscious human. Someone is watching most of the time either from without or within. No need to get too spooked, though, it is a dance, from and back into authenticity, a challenge to look boldly within.
What a thoughtful and poetic way to say this
Damn "it is a dance, from and back into authenticity" is a lovely phrase.
really loved this piece!! i think a lot about this ticking time clock that’ll dictate when i’m no longer Hot Enough anymore, and realized that a lot of my supposedly empowering provocativeness was actually a mask to hide how scared i was about my lack of self-identity... when you buy in to cultural expectations of what womanhood should be so wholly that you refuse to cultivate or nurture your own self image, it is easy and convenient to brand your aesthetic appearance as one that you’re doing for yourself!!!
1,000000 percent!
Found this piece via Substack Reads and I enjoyed it! I've always thought of women and fashion as being similar to men and working out. When guys say they're working out not to attract women but to feel better about themselves, defend themselves in potential fights, and gain more respect from other men, they're not lying. But an undeniable appeal of working out is to rise in the hierarchy amongst men, with one of the main benefits being able to date more attractive women (or men, if you're gay). With women and dressing hot, it seems to be the same dynamic: it's competition against the same gender, and while appealing to the gender you're attracted to is not the only goal, it's a critical one that makes the effort worthwhile.
As to why some women don't want to be honest about. You've already thoroughly explored it in your piece. I've noticed that in a lot of social justice movements about fighting beauty standards and promoting body positivity, its advocates rarely call for the outright abolishment of Vogue, Victoria's Secret, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, Hollywood rom coms, etc. Instead, it's usually about keeping everything the same, but swapping out the lead woman so that someone who's not conventionally beautiful gets to feel like a princess, which just proves that this crowd, despite its radical rhetoric, still really values being the hot girl in the conventional sense.
yes, excellent points. So often these things aren't either/or, they're both/and. I love working out because (as I write about all the time), it helped me recover from an eating disorder, made me stronger/more agile/more mobile, helped me sleep better, made me less injury prone, etc. etc. etc. -- but I *also* like how it makes me look. Two truths at once. And interesting point in your second graf. I've thought about this too, this idea that we need to expand the idea of what beauty is or whatever (yes, we should), but maybe we also need to consider that making "beauty," whatever it is, less important overall would probably be good for all of us. how do we do that? I have no ideaaaaa lol
amazing point about the swapping out the models! omg i’m actually so starstruck by that point! representation is such a big topic and the focal point has always been and never shifts from beauty beauty beauty. like we all are beauty, and i have been thinking a lot about why that is even important?
Love this! Re: plastic surgery transparency, one of the most refreshing things I’ve heard from someone who had it would be Jane Fonda. She says she wishes she had been brave enough to age naturally. I’m 46 and have tried to let go of the props I use to look attractive in out culture, but the conditioning is hard to shake.
Yes, love Jane's thoughts on this!
While it's not the 'sexy' part, I've always subscribed to the notion that women dress for other women. A man is (almost) never going to notice my necklace, my handbag, or (negatively) that I've worn the same top the last two nights out.
I've never been a sexy dresser per se, but wore short skirts with opaque tights when that was in in the 90s. But then all my friends did as well. Men may have noticed (who remembers, lol) but it's not like I had supermodel legs and they weren't commented upon. I have a large chest, and tend to wear v necks exposing a little cleavage because a round neck tends to make me look like a larger expanse, and feels more restrictive. It's more of a comfort thing than a sexy thing.
i simply love a short skirt + opaque tights look myself! and I'm so with you on the v-neck thing
really really really love this piece!! I think stripping down the 'why' behind most of our actions will help us get a nuanced view of ourselves and place our self worth in its proper brackets. Like Jessica DeFino has mentioned, it will lessen the appeal of a lot of things.
Thank you! I agree :)
I recently had to explain to my beautifully striking outside, as well as in(ty j.c.)...that the pretty panty sets get them interested, they want to know more,,, but it's when we (male or female) wear pretty panties for ourselves, we get and keep our power ... Wear Your Pretty panties For YOURSELF!!!
"Some men would rather we become sexy for them in private and pretend it was an accident. I really could not care less." -- I felt this in my BONES. Never hit the subscribe button with such velocity in my life.
Thank you!!!
hell yeah. I observe myself being observe and I adore it
I loved this, even though I do it for myself, but that may just be autism.
I haven't read this article yet, but I just had to comment. I saw this in my feed earlier this week and I made a mental note to come back to it. But that was at 2 am and I've spent more than an hour at this point searching substack and GOOGLE! to find your article and FINALLY I've found it and I'm eager to read it :)
Wow thank you Toby! I hope you enjoy it
So refreshing to read. I noticed a shift as I got into my 30s and when I became a mother that I’m less “allowed” to dress sexy. I really enjoyed feeling sexy when I went out in my 20s… the article has caused me to think twice about the “why not?”
I also admit I can be a tad judgmental of women who are trying to look very sexy at the gym sometimes. Just in my head… but Thanks for helping me to challenge that!
Glad it resonates with you :) I think many of us have that judgmental voice inside us. I always like to question where it's coming from. In the case of judging other women for dressing sexy, that opens up a whole can of worms about competitiveness, attention, values, morals...it's a lot, lol. Just trying to be thoughtful about all of it.
After leaving 'Office' work I ditched 125 ties, 64 button down shirts, penny loafers and Dockers pants. Now (retired) it's blue jeans, black 'T' shirts and New Balance cross trainers.
Discovery: What you find in someones heart is more important than all the Jimmy Choos and Rolexes combined.
I have walked that myself and at 61 years of age look better than any time in my life...when I accepted my size and continued to dress "sexy", I was more than a little thrown off when I lost 80 lbs and kept it off for 5 years now. Along with carving out a mindset of self awareness and leaving off baggage I was never meant to hold. I still cringe when people tell me they are so proud I lost the weight. I did nothing to lose it...I just gave it space to let it go..
"I did nothing to lose it...I just gave it space to let it go.." wow, gives me chills!
Unless they are going to attend a grunge festival, why would anybody want to make themselves look less attractive. If you've got it ...
Loved this piece! I work from home and am married and unfortunately “dressing for myself” these days means the comfiest and least sexy clothes possible. 🙈😂 But every now and then I’ll dress up for my husband to make him think I look attractive. But I’ve also struggled with how when I was “attractive” back in the day I felt I wasn’t because of said Jessica Simpson like incidents because I’ve always been a US 10ish size and not smaller so I struggled with body image even though I actually was quite thin at points. But like you, when I was on the thinner end, I’d get more validation. But definitely grad school me dressed sexy to get validation and sex!