“Relying on someone else’s body and behaviors to help you feel good about yourself will probably break your heart. Other people act upon their bodily autonomy for all kinds of reasons you’ll never understand and aren’t entitled to understand…” YES x a million
THIS IS SUCH AN IMPORTANT TOPIC and I appreciate how thoughtfully and pointedly you named things so many of us have been feeling for years. also... no woman can do anything "right" especially when it comes to weight. It is so unfortunate and I feel for anyone going through this life in a body, period. Thank you for nailing what I've been feeling for so long. <3
I'm losing weight and it is SO weird. I'm happy and healthy about it. But also I'm like eww, I'm gonna be all transformed and people will talk about it. My face already looks different 🙈
I’ve been on my natural fat loss journey (decisively) for 3 years (reality: whole life), and my friends still comment on it one way or another every single time we see each other. Let’s be real, my coworkers often do the same. I’ve very recently decided that this has become an off-the-table topic for my core friend group, because we are on wildly different pages in life and fitness goals, and I seemingly and unknowingly crossed this invisible threshold to them from “fat” to “skinny” based on their not-so-subtle commentary. It’s very hard for many people to not make your personal efforts and changes mean something about them!
As someone who was once fat and lost all the weight the weirdest part were people's reactions to it?? The overwhelmingly positive comments kind of just made me feel like, "dude, did you think I looked ugly before?" As someone who liked themselves just fine when they were fat it came as a shock. It took me ages before I could look at old pictures of myself with the same joy as before.
If only you could lose the psychological experience of being fat when you lose the physical weight! I haven’t been physically fat in many years but I still think of myself that way. It’s a weird thing indeed.
Thanks for this thoughtful essay. A lot of it resonated - especially your line about using other people's bodies to define our self-worth. Thank you for sharing more about your personal experiences.
One issue that I'm interested in is that I think the definition of "being fat" changes based on context. There's that body positive adage that "fat is not a feeling" -- I actually think the complete opposite is true, that experiences of fatness are quite historical and cultural. Somebody might be fat in, say, a sorority rush setting, but not read as fat at all at a family event. That's why representations of different body types in media can be so powerful.
That being said: as a doctor, I am ALL ABOUT helping my patients to feel good moving their bodies, and get hypertension and blood glucose under control, and helping people feel energized and having positive mental health. I do think that can happen at a variety of BMIs, but I am always willing to talk about it if people seek weight loss as a means to achieve those goals. That being said, those goals are much more complex than having a BMI of 25, and plenty of my patients with a BMI of 25 don't come anywhere close to achieving those things.
Looking forward to reading more of your work on these issues!
When I saw the title I immediately thought about Adele (and Lizzo around the same time, when everyone came for her because she said she was on a juice cleanse). It’s not a topic for me to speak on, but we have to realize that someone simply existing in their body is not them “encouraging” anything. Fat people are not encouraging obesity just by existing, and thin people (even if they were fat before) are not necessarily encouraging weight loss just because that’s the path they took. We gotta just let people exist and find what works for them, even if it brings up difficult, heartbreaking emotions.
“Relying on someone else’s body and behaviors to help you feel good about yourself will probably break your heart.”
This single sentence in the middle of your article is the perfect summary of why the world is filled with sad, disenfranchised people. We’ve forgotten that real peace comes from within.
Not from validation.
Not from performance.
Not from someone else’s approval.
Until we recover that truth, we’ll keep chasing connection in all the wrong places.
And it’s complicated for everyone! I used to be super unhealthy to stay skinny. Then I was super unhealthy (depressed) in the other direction. In the last couple years I’ve gotten much better with my relationship w/ food, mental health, alcohol etc. I lost a bunch of weight but have been stable for a while since then. I’m really happy that I’ve changed by being healthier. For the first time I’m trying to eat *more* of certain things for the sake of my health, which is kinda wild!
Personally, I don’t buy totally into the idea that we should never analyze celeb bodies, because it obviously does matter. But seeing someone go to a totally normal weight is not like, alarming role modelship
Thank you for the thoughtful breakdown, it’s something I’ve thought a lot about too, and your cerebral yet compassionate thoughts have been missing in this conversation. 🩵
“Relying on someone else’s body and behaviors to help you feel good about yourself will probably break your heart. Other people act upon their bodily autonomy for all kinds of reasons you’ll never understand and aren’t entitled to understand…” YES x a million
xo thank you
THIS IS SUCH AN IMPORTANT TOPIC and I appreciate how thoughtfully and pointedly you named things so many of us have been feeling for years. also... no woman can do anything "right" especially when it comes to weight. It is so unfortunate and I feel for anyone going through this life in a body, period. Thank you for nailing what I've been feeling for so long. <3
appreciate you reading it and glad it resonated!
I'm losing weight and it is SO weird. I'm happy and healthy about it. But also I'm like eww, I'm gonna be all transformed and people will talk about it. My face already looks different 🙈
it's very strange. but isn't always "eww"
I’ve been on my natural fat loss journey (decisively) for 3 years (reality: whole life), and my friends still comment on it one way or another every single time we see each other. Let’s be real, my coworkers often do the same. I’ve very recently decided that this has become an off-the-table topic for my core friend group, because we are on wildly different pages in life and fitness goals, and I seemingly and unknowingly crossed this invisible threshold to them from “fat” to “skinny” based on their not-so-subtle commentary. It’s very hard for many people to not make your personal efforts and changes mean something about them!
God this is so relatable
As someone who was once fat and lost all the weight the weirdest part were people's reactions to it?? The overwhelmingly positive comments kind of just made me feel like, "dude, did you think I looked ugly before?" As someone who liked themselves just fine when they were fat it came as a shock. It took me ages before I could look at old pictures of myself with the same joy as before.
yes, it's very bizarre. I felt pleased by such comments and irritated by them in equal measure sometimes
If only you could lose the psychological experience of being fat when you lose the physical weight! I haven’t been physically fat in many years but I still think of myself that way. It’s a weird thing indeed.
yes. a friend of mine said "you lose the signifier of the struggle but you don't lose the struggle"
Thanks for this thoughtful essay. A lot of it resonated - especially your line about using other people's bodies to define our self-worth. Thank you for sharing more about your personal experiences.
One issue that I'm interested in is that I think the definition of "being fat" changes based on context. There's that body positive adage that "fat is not a feeling" -- I actually think the complete opposite is true, that experiences of fatness are quite historical and cultural. Somebody might be fat in, say, a sorority rush setting, but not read as fat at all at a family event. That's why representations of different body types in media can be so powerful.
That being said: as a doctor, I am ALL ABOUT helping my patients to feel good moving their bodies, and get hypertension and blood glucose under control, and helping people feel energized and having positive mental health. I do think that can happen at a variety of BMIs, but I am always willing to talk about it if people seek weight loss as a means to achieve those goals. That being said, those goals are much more complex than having a BMI of 25, and plenty of my patients with a BMI of 25 don't come anywhere close to achieving those things.
Looking forward to reading more of your work on these issues!
Thanks, Mara! I'm going to read some more of what you've written about all this, v interested in the MD perspective
❤️
HARD agree on all of this
When I saw the title I immediately thought about Adele (and Lizzo around the same time, when everyone came for her because she said she was on a juice cleanse). It’s not a topic for me to speak on, but we have to realize that someone simply existing in their body is not them “encouraging” anything. Fat people are not encouraging obesity just by existing, and thin people (even if they were fat before) are not necessarily encouraging weight loss just because that’s the path they took. We gotta just let people exist and find what works for them, even if it brings up difficult, heartbreaking emotions.
“Relying on someone else’s body and behaviors to help you feel good about yourself will probably break your heart.”
This single sentence in the middle of your article is the perfect summary of why the world is filled with sad, disenfranchised people. We’ve forgotten that real peace comes from within.
Not from validation.
Not from performance.
Not from someone else’s approval.
Until we recover that truth, we’ll keep chasing connection in all the wrong places.
Really fucking brilliant alwayz
love u
Love this article ♥️ As someone who’s been all sorts of different weights, hella agree with everything you said here
I really enjoyed this article 🩷 you are spot on!
Thank you so much
I don't hate myself...I just don't want to be fucking fat anymore. Incredible piece.
And it’s complicated for everyone! I used to be super unhealthy to stay skinny. Then I was super unhealthy (depressed) in the other direction. In the last couple years I’ve gotten much better with my relationship w/ food, mental health, alcohol etc. I lost a bunch of weight but have been stable for a while since then. I’m really happy that I’ve changed by being healthier. For the first time I’m trying to eat *more* of certain things for the sake of my health, which is kinda wild!
i'm glad you're finding health that works for you :)
Personally, I don’t buy totally into the idea that we should never analyze celeb bodies, because it obviously does matter. But seeing someone go to a totally normal weight is not like, alarming role modelship
Thank you for the thoughtful breakdown, it’s something I’ve thought a lot about too, and your cerebral yet compassionate thoughts have been missing in this conversation. 🩵
Thanks so much Liz!
As a fat person - yes yes yes to everything you’ve written here