Person to person

On community.

“Person to Person,” the Mad Men series finale. Watch the scene to cry big time.

I try to use this newsletter to help people feel better, or at least think differently, about the physical body and the culture around it. I felt completely alienated in and despair about my body for the first two and a half decades of my life and now I feel less so, and I want other people to feel less so, too.

I’m deeply sad and concerned about bodily autonomy and reproductive justice right now, obviously. If this new regime keeps its promises, more and more people will feel alienated in and despair about their bodies for reasons far more threatening than mine ever were. They will not feel safe in their bodies, they will not be able to express themselves fully in their bodies. People will suffer in their bodies, people are already suffering in their bodies. I wonder what any of us could possibly do to care for ourselves and other people given this reality and many others. 

People who know better than me have already said that community should be top of mind now: mutual aid, support networks, local organizing, smaller political races. Even if you don’t get involved with any of that, consider your own circle of friends and family. Pauline Boss, emeritus professor at the University of Minnesota, said in this article:

I think we should work toward bringing about change now at the community level, wherever you have power and agency, whatever level you have it at. Maybe it’s just in your family, maybe it’s just in yourself.

That brings me to my own community and my own behavior. Allow me to talk to you for a bit about social media.

In the wake of the 2016 election, I was immediately all over Instagram and probably Facebook (lol) and Twitter, too. Here are my thoughts, here’s why I’m devastated, here are nebulous resources, here’s stuff about the Women’s March you’ve already seen, here’s how we have to ACT and RESIST — a firehose stream of liberal slacktivism, basically.

And honestly — admitting to a massive L here — I used to think that if people weren’t blasting social media posts about their actions and values in the wake of major news events, they were falling down on a crucial part of the Being a Good Person job. Of course that meant when I posted, I got to feel comparatively self-righteous. This shitty little attitude alienates people and achieves nothing. It stemmed from my own fears, insecurities, immaturity, and ignorance about what the hell else to do but post. That kind of posting never accomplished as much as I liked to think, and my haughty judgment of other people never accomplished anything at all. 

I didn’t post in any of those places this year. I used to do it partially because I was trying to make myself feel better, but it’s become clear to me that it doesn’t accomplish that, either. Maybe it made me feel productive or self-satisfied, but I have never felt emotionally soothed from posting on social media in the wake of big bad news stuff. 

What’s made me feel better over these past couple of days was exchanging direct, non-social media interactions with the people I care about. Having my brother ask me how I was doing. Texting people that I’m thinking about them. Asking my friends in my building to get coffee. Following up on something a guy at my gym said about his kids by asking more questions about them, which seemed to make him happy.

My interpersonal relationships and interactions felt so different when I spent much more time on social media. I have an Instagram page specifically for this newsletter that I haven’t posted on in months. I wonder if I’m feeling about that page the way I felt about my personal Instagram before I deleted it a few years ago. Over time I realized that posting life updates or viewing others’ gave me a false sense of feeling close to people. 

I’d lazily heart someone’s story even if I hadn’t spoken to them otherwise in years, and felt weird that this was what seemed to pass as friendship. I found there was sometimes less to talk about in person with people because I either already knew stuff from their social media or they assumed I did. When I stopped using social media as much I sometimes missed out on big life updates. I often felt out of the loop. This kind of sucked, but the way I was using social media was in fact making me lonelier, and that sucked more. 

Rather than taking a few beats to develop thoughts for a direct conversation, I’d burn myself out on sharing a bunch of shit or scrolling and wouldn’t want to talk about any of it anymore by the time I saw people in person. Your mileage may vary, but I just don’t think I have the capacity to participate in that way online and show up in real-life, direct conversation with people, and it’s clear to me which is more meaningful anyway.

While this post to this community isn’t a one-on-one direct communiqué, it is a much slower and more intentional one. I believe that the writer-reader connection is a stronger and more meaningful one than a social poster-follower one is. Writing here makes me more thoughtful and less reactive. I sincerely believe it’s made me nicer. Being on social media too much does the opposite. We probably don’t need any more careless, irascible, cantankerous people on social media all day long.

Going forward, community is going to be everything. It always was, but it’s so easy for us to lose our grips on it. Many of us, myself very much included, could stand to show up better for the people around us.

I’m talking about simple things: Not flaking on plans when avoidable because it erodes the social contract despite its normalization. Circling back on that thing your friend said she was worried about, even if you have to write a reminder in your phone. Remembering people’s birthdays and anniversaries. Offering to babysit their kids. Trying not to go into rotting lonely ghost mode for too long when you’re sad, because spending time with someone you care about is what actually helps.

I am not great at consistently doing any of this, but it’s notable to me that the first thing that struck me as important to do this week was more of this kind of thing. I think deep down I know it’s the thing to do.

I’ve said before that I want Body Type to be a community, not my virtual diary. When people in the comments start talking to each other instead of only responding to my words, picture my eyes bursting into two shiny heart emojis. I’m but a simple girl: I like people and I like talking to them and I like giving them a space to talk to each other. I’m not suggesting anyone has to be extroverted in the way I am or make a thousand new friends, I’m only saying — at the risk of making big, emotional proclamations about the future — that I suspect people will need each other with a unique urgency in the coming years. Simply being better to the people around you is an underestimated kind of activism in a cruel world.

I want to thank you again for being here, because you’ve made me more generous and thoughtful and open and motivated to connect with people however I can. This is a gift this space has given me, and it wouldn’t exist without you.