I have personally found, after a lifetime of trying to shame myself into being different, that there’s a paradox at the heart of change. And I do have to radically accept myself as I am first before I can move into making changes. I have to soothe and connect with my inner child who is sabotaging my adult life. Paradoxically, once I thank her—and I mean with real, embarrassing, humiliating gratitude—for creating this chaos, she loosens her grip. Then I can step into doing something different, and we can put the old pattern into the archives. But there does have to be both steps for me. The gentleness followed by the changing habit. If I try to change without first honoring the old pattern I fail over and over again.
I’ve been working with a trainer for nearly two years to rehab from a broken kneecap. She’s IFBB pro and looks tough as hell but she’s more of the firm but gentle type with me. That’s because she understands that the biggest hurdle for me is psychological. My brain didn’t trust that my wounded leg could do things again. Hannah has given me the most valuable gift a trainer could give: she believed in me before I believed in myself. I think if she had been tough with me I would have felt really humiliated and defeated in the context of injury recovery. But if my body still had its factory settings? I think I’d respond to toughness from a trainer pretty well.
This is such a BEAUTIFUL comment, Amber, thank you so much for writing it. You words are so helpful to me. I think you make an excellent point. I'm not very good at radical acceptance/gentleness with myself/gratitude for myself (as I wrote about) and I might find change easier if I was a little less drill sergeant about it and introduced more acceptance. You've given me a lot to think about <3
I’ll never forget my first trainer. I was 20, signed up at Golds gym and can’t say how overweight or out of shape I was, but I can say NONE of my clothes fit and my metabolism was shot from doing speedy drugs and drinking too much. A day before I signed up, I found myself in tears, pulling all of my clothes out of the dresser and off the hangers, throwing them and screaming. I believe it’s what is referred to as being ‘unhinged’.
During our first session he showed me how to properly do squats and then asked me to do them.
After a few he said, it’s obvious that the only lifting you’ve been doing is lifting your ass off a couch.
Honestly, I found it funny and motivating BECAUSE IT WAS TRUE - I needed some straight talk.
I later told my boyfriend and he took much offense to it. It hadn’t crossed my mind that it was not nice or unprofessional.
I thought of this recently while talking to a client. They thanked me for my ‘cutting honesty’ because they not only need to hear it that way, they desperately want to change.
My words, the trainers words, hurt less than the pain caused by the current circumstances.
I am familiar with the "unhinged" concept, lolllll
I wonder how I would have responded if a trainer said this to me IRL! I have been thinking since I wrote this, maybe I'm not irritated by hearing tough love from a social media trainer (when it's not directed only at me) but I wonder how I'd feel at this point if I got it in reality. I'm glad you found it motivating in any case!
I like the trainer's advice that's quoted in that post but starting with "hey fatass" or w/e just perpetuates the harmful notions that your body has to look a certain way to be in good health. Thinking "I'll never lose this stomach" deters so many people from beneficial exercise. I also get exercise-induced migraines and have chronic pain issues so "no pain no gain" people can just go to hell lol. I'd rather hear from influencers who want to help me identify the barriers to fitness and teach how to get in tune with what my body actually needs. But that probably doesn't get as much views and engagement on the social platforms.
I totally hear you. Views and engagement are a big part of this, which is partially why I don't take it that seriously, but also what bums me out in a way -- like why do we need the snark to get engagement. I'm of two+ minds on this one for sure. And if you have exercise-induced migraines then def noooooo to the "no pain no gain." You gotta do what works for you
You've reminded me of my first experience at a strength training facility about 6 years ago. There was one trainer (it was all group-class based), who had adopted the sergeant approach. To be fair, she kinda scared me outside of classes too. At first, I hated her (strong words I know), and I took it all personally (she must hate me!). But after a few months, I began to check my ego at the door and realised that she was like with EVERYONE! But her methods worked with me, I began to lift more and had much more confidence in myself. She was a bloody good trainer too - experienced, had a physio background, competed...)
Now that I am more experienced with ST and have actually moved gyms, I look back on those experiences and am grateful. I needed a kick up the arse, and she definitely gave me one.
Glad to hear it! I had a trainer like this once too -- the scariest woman ever who was also an insanely good trainer ... maybe that's why it's easy for me to think "tough love = expert"!
This reminds me of my first experience with yoga: it was bikram and not an ommmm yummy flow experience. The instructors were militant, demanding you go deeper and further into the same repeated poses and postures day in and day out. HATED IT. Keep in mind this was 25 years ago and I was living on an island with few options. A couple of years later I found a different style. Vinyasa 😂 spent a decade or more doing all those types of classes until one day, all the reasons I thought hot 26 sucked became all the things I wanted from a yoga class. Predictably. No talking. No music. Time for your body to go deep in the postures. Consistency. Sweating my ass off and so on. Most everyone I know HATES it. Which tells me there is a small part somewhere in them that needs it 😬
I have been doing sports for a while; the mean trainer has never worked for me. My current ninja coach is so encouraging, tells me what I need to do, and chides me when I'm not using the correct form. And he cheers big at every success. That's what works for me!
Yup! Mostly kids train (like I’m going to class tonight and in the adults class I’m the oldest by far, and kids classes are running the same time) but more and more adults are getting into it. It is SO FUN!
There are layers to this, in my experience. Personally I’ve always loved movement and fitness so getting motivated to do the damn thing was never an issue. On the other hand being encouraged to listen to my body versus just crush myself at the gym for the sake of abs/at the expense of my well-being is something that needed both a gentle nudge - like hey, maybe try uh, something less harsh, maybe you don’t have to kill yourself to get what you want - but also a stark look at reality. Certain habits do need a firmer hand to break - and when confronted with the idea that I’d eventually wreck myself and not be able to train the way I like to as I age, I decided to make my training more purposeful. Not “mean trainer” per se, because sometimes that boot camp shit is pretty purposeless, but definitely brutally honest trainer.
Yes, completely agree. I am not at all a fan of "wreck yourself just because" training, and I think a lot of specialized fitness studios are super guilty of imposing that kind of stuff on people. I think the "stark look at reality" you mention is exactly it -- I just have to be honest about my own bad habits/needs re: change, and sometimes a tough trainer or other influence/self-talk helps me do that!
It's the same as being dommed in sex, I think—if you consent, it's about proving your endurance to yourself, with a partner playing the role you need to confront that question of self-definition. If you don't, it's just someone being mean.
Nice post! I’m definitely curious about Devin’s profile now. I don’t mind the mean approach if it’s kind of universalised (everyone and no one) but if someone was directly calling me a “fatass” less so. So, I guess, social media works for this type of approach.
My favourite trainers I've worked with are the ones who are absolute disciplinarians in the rep, and then shower me in praise at the end of a good set. I train alone ATM but I film my sets for an honest friend who'll tell me when I'm shirking parallel on the squat. I think a lot of people are scared of being told they're doing something badly... and bluntly, if you want anything you do to be worthwhile, you need to get over that fear and be more worried about the possibility that you're just wasting your time. There are lazy trainers galore who'll "go girl!" you through shit form (and tbf there are also plenty of phony drill sergeants too who'll act the hardass while making you do something dumb in the Smith machine). You should WANT the rigour. The rigour is the POINT.
yessss!!!! Could not have said any of this better myself. And I think you've nailed the perfect method -- kick my ass in the reps and then treat me like a princess after :) :) :)
I've been to a lot of gym classes in my life, and I am not a fan of the "mean trainer" archetype - they just stress me out. I like my trainers upbeat and encouraging. That said, I checked out Devin's profile and in amongst the insults, he does have some top notch advice. I think the archetype bugs me less online than in person.
This seems to be how other people feel and I think it's on point... a social media "bit" it's maybe not as offensive. I have no idea either way but I just kind of doubt Devin would be talking like this to his clients off the bat (unless they make it clear they're cool with it, lol)
Reminds me of the movie American Factory the Obamas produced on Netflix.
A Chinese company re-opens a closed factory, and is training the new Chinese managers on how Americans wagies: differ from Chinese wagies
“Donkeys Liked to Be Touched in the Direction Their Hair Grows, or they will kick you."
We are blessed to be so soft and sensitive from growing up in one of the wealthiest, safest nations on the planet. I'm glad that there are many different trainers so that we can all self-select into what works best for each individual
I have personally found, after a lifetime of trying to shame myself into being different, that there’s a paradox at the heart of change. And I do have to radically accept myself as I am first before I can move into making changes. I have to soothe and connect with my inner child who is sabotaging my adult life. Paradoxically, once I thank her—and I mean with real, embarrassing, humiliating gratitude—for creating this chaos, she loosens her grip. Then I can step into doing something different, and we can put the old pattern into the archives. But there does have to be both steps for me. The gentleness followed by the changing habit. If I try to change without first honoring the old pattern I fail over and over again.
I’ve been working with a trainer for nearly two years to rehab from a broken kneecap. She’s IFBB pro and looks tough as hell but she’s more of the firm but gentle type with me. That’s because she understands that the biggest hurdle for me is psychological. My brain didn’t trust that my wounded leg could do things again. Hannah has given me the most valuable gift a trainer could give: she believed in me before I believed in myself. I think if she had been tough with me I would have felt really humiliated and defeated in the context of injury recovery. But if my body still had its factory settings? I think I’d respond to toughness from a trainer pretty well.
This is such a BEAUTIFUL comment, Amber, thank you so much for writing it. You words are so helpful to me. I think you make an excellent point. I'm not very good at radical acceptance/gentleness with myself/gratitude for myself (as I wrote about) and I might find change easier if I was a little less drill sergeant about it and introduced more acceptance. You've given me a lot to think about <3
LOVE THIS and I’m with you!
I’ll never forget my first trainer. I was 20, signed up at Golds gym and can’t say how overweight or out of shape I was, but I can say NONE of my clothes fit and my metabolism was shot from doing speedy drugs and drinking too much. A day before I signed up, I found myself in tears, pulling all of my clothes out of the dresser and off the hangers, throwing them and screaming. I believe it’s what is referred to as being ‘unhinged’.
During our first session he showed me how to properly do squats and then asked me to do them.
After a few he said, it’s obvious that the only lifting you’ve been doing is lifting your ass off a couch.
Honestly, I found it funny and motivating BECAUSE IT WAS TRUE - I needed some straight talk.
I later told my boyfriend and he took much offense to it. It hadn’t crossed my mind that it was not nice or unprofessional.
I thought of this recently while talking to a client. They thanked me for my ‘cutting honesty’ because they not only need to hear it that way, they desperately want to change.
My words, the trainers words, hurt less than the pain caused by the current circumstances.
I am familiar with the "unhinged" concept, lolllll
I wonder how I would have responded if a trainer said this to me IRL! I have been thinking since I wrote this, maybe I'm not irritated by hearing tough love from a social media trainer (when it's not directed only at me) but I wonder how I'd feel at this point if I got it in reality. I'm glad you found it motivating in any case!
I like the trainer's advice that's quoted in that post but starting with "hey fatass" or w/e just perpetuates the harmful notions that your body has to look a certain way to be in good health. Thinking "I'll never lose this stomach" deters so many people from beneficial exercise. I also get exercise-induced migraines and have chronic pain issues so "no pain no gain" people can just go to hell lol. I'd rather hear from influencers who want to help me identify the barriers to fitness and teach how to get in tune with what my body actually needs. But that probably doesn't get as much views and engagement on the social platforms.
I totally hear you. Views and engagement are a big part of this, which is partially why I don't take it that seriously, but also what bums me out in a way -- like why do we need the snark to get engagement. I'm of two+ minds on this one for sure. And if you have exercise-induced migraines then def noooooo to the "no pain no gain." You gotta do what works for you
Great post!
You've reminded me of my first experience at a strength training facility about 6 years ago. There was one trainer (it was all group-class based), who had adopted the sergeant approach. To be fair, she kinda scared me outside of classes too. At first, I hated her (strong words I know), and I took it all personally (she must hate me!). But after a few months, I began to check my ego at the door and realised that she was like with EVERYONE! But her methods worked with me, I began to lift more and had much more confidence in myself. She was a bloody good trainer too - experienced, had a physio background, competed...)
Now that I am more experienced with ST and have actually moved gyms, I look back on those experiences and am grateful. I needed a kick up the arse, and she definitely gave me one.
Glad to hear it! I had a trainer like this once too -- the scariest woman ever who was also an insanely good trainer ... maybe that's why it's easy for me to think "tough love = expert"!
This reminds me of my first experience with yoga: it was bikram and not an ommmm yummy flow experience. The instructors were militant, demanding you go deeper and further into the same repeated poses and postures day in and day out. HATED IT. Keep in mind this was 25 years ago and I was living on an island with few options. A couple of years later I found a different style. Vinyasa 😂 spent a decade or more doing all those types of classes until one day, all the reasons I thought hot 26 sucked became all the things I wanted from a yoga class. Predictably. No talking. No music. Time for your body to go deep in the postures. Consistency. Sweating my ass off and so on. Most everyone I know HATES it. Which tells me there is a small part somewhere in them that needs it 😬
I have been doing sports for a while; the mean trainer has never worked for me. My current ninja coach is so encouraging, tells me what I need to do, and chides me when I'm not using the correct form. And he cheers big at every success. That's what works for me!
That's awesome! Ninja as in American Ninja Warrior-type stuff???
Yup! Mostly kids train (like I’m going to class tonight and in the adults class I’m the oldest by far, and kids classes are running the same time) but more and more adults are getting into it. It is SO FUN!
There are layers to this, in my experience. Personally I’ve always loved movement and fitness so getting motivated to do the damn thing was never an issue. On the other hand being encouraged to listen to my body versus just crush myself at the gym for the sake of abs/at the expense of my well-being is something that needed both a gentle nudge - like hey, maybe try uh, something less harsh, maybe you don’t have to kill yourself to get what you want - but also a stark look at reality. Certain habits do need a firmer hand to break - and when confronted with the idea that I’d eventually wreck myself and not be able to train the way I like to as I age, I decided to make my training more purposeful. Not “mean trainer” per se, because sometimes that boot camp shit is pretty purposeless, but definitely brutally honest trainer.
Yes, completely agree. I am not at all a fan of "wreck yourself just because" training, and I think a lot of specialized fitness studios are super guilty of imposing that kind of stuff on people. I think the "stark look at reality" you mention is exactly it -- I just have to be honest about my own bad habits/needs re: change, and sometimes a tough trainer or other influence/self-talk helps me do that!
It's the same as being dommed in sex, I think—if you consent, it's about proving your endurance to yourself, with a partner playing the role you need to confront that question of self-definition. If you don't, it's just someone being mean.
Damn... excellent point
Nice post! I’m definitely curious about Devin’s profile now. I don’t mind the mean approach if it’s kind of universalised (everyone and no one) but if someone was directly calling me a “fatass” less so. So, I guess, social media works for this type of approach.
Yes, I agree. I've been thinking about this more since I wrote the piece!
My favourite trainers I've worked with are the ones who are absolute disciplinarians in the rep, and then shower me in praise at the end of a good set. I train alone ATM but I film my sets for an honest friend who'll tell me when I'm shirking parallel on the squat. I think a lot of people are scared of being told they're doing something badly... and bluntly, if you want anything you do to be worthwhile, you need to get over that fear and be more worried about the possibility that you're just wasting your time. There are lazy trainers galore who'll "go girl!" you through shit form (and tbf there are also plenty of phony drill sergeants too who'll act the hardass while making you do something dumb in the Smith machine). You should WANT the rigour. The rigour is the POINT.
yessss!!!! Could not have said any of this better myself. And I think you've nailed the perfect method -- kick my ass in the reps and then treat me like a princess after :) :) :)
I've been to a lot of gym classes in my life, and I am not a fan of the "mean trainer" archetype - they just stress me out. I like my trainers upbeat and encouraging. That said, I checked out Devin's profile and in amongst the insults, he does have some top notch advice. I think the archetype bugs me less online than in person.
This seems to be how other people feel and I think it's on point... a social media "bit" it's maybe not as offensive. I have no idea either way but I just kind of doubt Devin would be talking like this to his clients off the bat (unless they make it clear they're cool with it, lol)
Reminds me of the movie American Factory the Obamas produced on Netflix.
A Chinese company re-opens a closed factory, and is training the new Chinese managers on how Americans wagies: differ from Chinese wagies
“Donkeys Liked to Be Touched in the Direction Their Hair Grows, or they will kick you."
We are blessed to be so soft and sensitive from growing up in one of the wealthiest, safest nations on the planet. I'm glad that there are many different trainers so that we can all self-select into what works best for each individual