"Our body culture does not become more accepting for all people if we don’t accept the choices of the people whose bodies piss us off or give us Big Feelings for some reason."
The subtext of this powerful statement is that we pay too much attention to everyone else and not enough to ourselves. The only job we have is to "befriend our bodies" and treat them accordingly. Surely, we can look to others for inspiration. But looking to others and experiencing desperation is merely that – desperation. I used to teach workshops called "Befriend Your Body" and this practice really does work. I believe our bodies will tell us what they want, if we tune out the noise and listen.
Those workshops sound fascinating! And you're right, it is a kind of desperation. I've experienced it many times myself; of COURSE we feel desperate when the culture is the way it is. I don't blame anyone for feeling these ways, I'm just trying to find an exit strategy!
Exactly – what is the exit strategy? I have several ideas for this perhaps too long for a comment here. The we are talking about the body, it's 99.9% a mental challenge. And now I'm thinking about offering a workshop! I wrote a small book many years ago, "30 days to body esteem", and would love to share what I've learned in my seven decades. That includes childhood sexual abuse, eating disorder recovery, and more. As the saying goes, it can get much better. One thing I love is the serenity prayer (yes, lots of meetings!) That says:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
We are so fortunate in these times to hear stories of people who have faced really difficult challenges and see how they've come through them. It can almost be a hurdle though, not having challenges, because that monkey mind thinks we should figure out a way to be perfect. Self acceptance is about reeducating that inner monkey! And there are practical ways to do that that build and build over time.
I see comments on insta about other women’s bodies/choices/faces and I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. If they spent less time thinking about other women they would be so much happier. I get our society makes that very hard AND let’s practice some self control. Celebrate ourselves and our choices and let other women be. I had no idea about Ballerina Farm until some catty women on here kept writing obsessive posts about her. It felt icky and said more about the women than Hannah.
We love to put our "gods" on pedestals, and then rip them down (while trying to climb up ourselves) is kind of how I feel about it. The timing between rise and fall is moving at the speed of the internet. I don't need to know much about BF because I don't need to know. Probably most of us don't, though I do admire folks who do strong culture analysis. At my age, 54, I'm past needing to feel that pull to beauty. I wasn't beautiful anyway, back in the day, but now it's far more important to me that my outward facing self is interesting and welcoming (and my inward self too, of course). It means I worry far less about looks which did take up way too much of my brain in my 20's and 30's.
In terms of values, I would just add that a bit of healthy rage (some people’s also valid feelings about BF) can be crucial in values isolation for the person raging. It may seem like a waste of time or energy for people to focus on what she represents if they don’t align, but I imagine on some level it’s also a way to find what doesn’t work/hasn’t worked for them as an individual.
The hard part about the values being put forth by BF is that they are, for most of us, ones that are in the air we breathe: thinness, a certain type of maternity, and traditional gender roles. It is worthwhile for some to question their own relationship to those ideas, rather than be on a conveyer belt of “This is what worthiness looks like.” And sometimes that looks like getting a bug in your ass about something. I think about how much of my identify formation was about getting bothered by my parents and the world--and then ultimately releasing what isn’t for me (and then circling back to rage when necessary).
Thanks so much Kaitlyn for this thoughtful comment. This is why I love writing here -- I want to get other people's perspectives and be challenged to think differently! You're absolutely right that feeling a bug up your ass can teach you your own values, like "Hmm...this pisses me off...why might that be?"
I think this is a matter of productive rage, right? If we allow those feelings to teach us, great! Where it becomes kind of useless to me is if I just get all pissed off, rage in the comments, but then don't do think about/do anything about what that truly means to me.
Totally--the hope is that it moves into productive rage, for everyone involved 😂. But/And I know, at least for me, it’s very non-linear and takes a minute (or like, thousands of minutes stitched together).
Thank you for writing this! I occasionally check out Ballerina Farm's Insta account and agree that the cooking vids are nice. I have vaguely followed the "discourse" on Hannah and her adventures in pageantry and pregnancy, and I always have the urge to shout at the people criticizing and complaining about her: being on social media and following certain people is a choice! Choose to get off it! bravely unfollow Ballerina Farm! Do something that makes your own life better! Stop worrying about a stranger and her choices! If it wasn't for social media none of us would know what Hannah was up to!
This was really interesting. When you asked, “How much do I care about changing anything about my body and my habits, considering what I’ll sacrifice and what I’ll gain?" I thought about what women gain from their weight. The Economist wrote an article on “The Economics of Thinness”. They state that “For an obese woman, losing weight could boost her salary by as much as obtaining a master’s degree.” Do you think women carry this subconscious baggage? Even as much as you try to remove yourself from Instagram etc. the data doesn't lie so we're in this cycle?
yes I remember that article! I'm sure we carry this baggage, 100%. I don't think many people deny that the world unfortunately and unfairly makes life easier for not-fat people (which is why fat activist movements exist, after all)
Concur that we definitely carry this baggage but I think this exactly goes to Mikala’s point - at this point in my life, the thought of getting a masters degree to increase my earning potential is a lot more appealing and in line with my values than the thought of losing weight to do so. Frankly, I think I would find it easier than losing weight, as someone with a seemingly permanent 15 lb postpartum weight gain 🤷♀️. Granted, there are other non-salary benefits to closer conformity with prevailing beauty standards, but I’m willing to lose out on those to enjoy my time in ways other than those required to achieve the closer conformity.
Absolutely love the quote, “The problem is not that she’s setting unrealistic expectations of postpartum but rather that we are expecting her to set expectations at all. I would ask those criticizing why it isn’t okay for her to make this decision for herself. I believe she, just like every other woman, has the right to make decisions about her own body.” YES YES YES. Beautifully written article, Mikala!
Completely agree. And love Mikala’s point about selling something - if BF was selling weight loss strategies, it would be a different story. But she’s not. Critics should give the gal a break (or unfollow) and go live their life.
Incredibly illuminating and inspiring (and I think about the importance of values--especially as they relate to our wellbeing a LOT, as doing so ties into my healthcare startup--but I’ve NEVER gone this deep and wide about values and the subject matter at hand.
Your works and words are just so aligned with my professional and personal work and worlds!!
And you put words to core themes of my worlds in ways to which I can only aspire. So THANK YOU for so much illumination. And for being such a rich resource I can quote, share (and possible cite in the future) where fitting in all realms of my worlds ; ) 💛
Eight. EIGHT. LOL footnotes 1 + 3 had me howling. maybe we should be applauding her ability to mother eight children. anyways, such a thoughtful post i really enjoyed.
and you know, i always had a strange taste left in my mouth after glancing at some (one?) of the substacks that spends so much time dissecting her life. i'm all for a you do you mentality, write about what makes you light up! guess it just felt like a lot to me!
The problem isn’t with Ballerina Farm, it’s with the fact that we are conflating the person with the BALLARINA FARM BRAND; she’s.a.BRAND— a “wholesome” anomaly of Ballerina turned marry a billionaire turned “trad-wife”, for profit. It’s a whiplash (albeit trauma response) to the collective suffocation we all endured from the Kardashian Klan’s foolery. What’s the most troubling is that the people are the most viscous are Women against each other. I long for the day when women can just LOVE WITHOUT wanting to become brands or businesses or feeling the need to “do it all”— jamming it wildly down our throats.
Honestly it may not be any decision Hannah’s making. I’ve been told I look like I didn’t give birth before I’m even discharged from the hospital with each baby and I certainly have NOT worked out 🤷♀️ sometimes it’s just how our bodies are. By two weeks, if I did have the looks and the inclination for it, I would have been thin enough for a pageant. If after 8 babies she keeps getting thin in record time, then it may just be her body. That’s more plausible to me than anything else. And after so many babies she probably knows what’s realistic for her and what’s not, therefore it may not have been a crazy decision to sign up for the pageant after all. So in a way it’s even more damaging because you’re essentially comparing yourself to someone else’s genetics. We can’t help how we’re born. If you don’t happen to share her genetic inclination, it’s likely no amount of work will get you there. You’ll just drive yourself insane if you believe it just takes slightly more discipline than you’re exhibiting. If my postpartum body was down to discipline, I would never have achieved it.
It’s a mistake to want to be someone else because you’re not them. I know that’s rich coming from me, but take marrying the son of a billionaire. There are so few of them to go around. Wanting it will just make me sad. And as my husband never ceases to remind me, no matter how pretty a cottagecore, homesteading lifestyle looks, I don’t even like to be outside. I’ve been on farms. I know what they smell like. I’m one of those people who hates beaches because sand is a lot prettier than it is nice to walk on. TO ME. So ultimately it doesn’t bother me that Hannah is homesteading and I’m not 🤣 I also have 3 little kids. Enough to know I do NOT want 8! When you really think through these things, you might see very good reasons you’re you and she’s her. And you may not want to pay the price of being her, as invisible as it is in the instagram reels.
This is a very interesting reflection. I've grown up in a community where mothers having 8 children is pretty common. I come from a family of 5 kids and we're jokingly considered a small family. These mothers who are having 8 and in a few cases 12 children truly average different body types. From my observation, as a non mother in this community, there's not so much shame around the way one looks after 5 or even 12 children. Each woman is focusing on her life (and kids). Certainly the number of kids one has is a different discussion, but I think comes down to the same conclusion: that's your life! It's up to your family to discern. I think understanding that each woman's lifestyle will look different than your own is the most crucial thing here, as you've stated. Try not to fall into the mindset that "I'm doing it wrong because it doesn't look like her." It's kind of frustrating that we assume that what we see online is what people are telling us is the "ideal" or the only way. I think it might tie into our culture's "what about me?" syndrome. Not everything is about me and not everyone is telling me to do things like them! Nuance is the greatest knife against this beast of polarization the online world exists as, in my humble opinion.
Finally somebody said it! This is such a great text and this is, in my opinion, what feminism SHOULD look like. Namely, "I don't have to agree with all of your values to still value and respect your choices (as long as it doesn't harm others)". Too many people get lost on the "this is not a good example for ..."-track. Why should it be?! She is just living HER life.
You said it much better than me in your text!
I, too, respect "Balerina Farm" although I don't share her values. You have to give her some credit, in my opinion, for the style she manages to keep up. She looks friendly, natural and lovely in her videos, I must admit, and her children and even her husband seem lovely people too. Why should we judge them for what we don't even know about them?
Mikala, I found your summary simultaneously wise (dare I say old fashioned?) and almost refreshingly radical by today’s standards; take responsibility for yourself. Bravo!
"Our body culture does not become more accepting for all people if we don’t accept the choices of the people whose bodies piss us off or give us Big Feelings for some reason."
The subtext of this powerful statement is that we pay too much attention to everyone else and not enough to ourselves. The only job we have is to "befriend our bodies" and treat them accordingly. Surely, we can look to others for inspiration. But looking to others and experiencing desperation is merely that – desperation. I used to teach workshops called "Befriend Your Body" and this practice really does work. I believe our bodies will tell us what they want, if we tune out the noise and listen.
Those workshops sound fascinating! And you're right, it is a kind of desperation. I've experienced it many times myself; of COURSE we feel desperate when the culture is the way it is. I don't blame anyone for feeling these ways, I'm just trying to find an exit strategy!
Exactly – what is the exit strategy? I have several ideas for this perhaps too long for a comment here. The we are talking about the body, it's 99.9% a mental challenge. And now I'm thinking about offering a workshop! I wrote a small book many years ago, "30 days to body esteem", and would love to share what I've learned in my seven decades. That includes childhood sexual abuse, eating disorder recovery, and more. As the saying goes, it can get much better. One thing I love is the serenity prayer (yes, lots of meetings!) That says:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
We are so fortunate in these times to hear stories of people who have faced really difficult challenges and see how they've come through them. It can almost be a hurdle though, not having challenges, because that monkey mind thinks we should figure out a way to be perfect. Self acceptance is about reeducating that inner monkey! And there are practical ways to do that that build and build over time.
🔥🔥🔥 This was excellent.
I see comments on insta about other women’s bodies/choices/faces and I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. If they spent less time thinking about other women they would be so much happier. I get our society makes that very hard AND let’s practice some self control. Celebrate ourselves and our choices and let other women be. I had no idea about Ballerina Farm until some catty women on here kept writing obsessive posts about her. It felt icky and said more about the women than Hannah.
We love to put our "gods" on pedestals, and then rip them down (while trying to climb up ourselves) is kind of how I feel about it. The timing between rise and fall is moving at the speed of the internet. I don't need to know much about BF because I don't need to know. Probably most of us don't, though I do admire folks who do strong culture analysis. At my age, 54, I'm past needing to feel that pull to beauty. I wasn't beautiful anyway, back in the day, but now it's far more important to me that my outward facing self is interesting and welcoming (and my inward self too, of course). It means I worry far less about looks which did take up way too much of my brain in my 20's and 30's.
Thank you kindly :)
In terms of values, I would just add that a bit of healthy rage (some people’s also valid feelings about BF) can be crucial in values isolation for the person raging. It may seem like a waste of time or energy for people to focus on what she represents if they don’t align, but I imagine on some level it’s also a way to find what doesn’t work/hasn’t worked for them as an individual.
The hard part about the values being put forth by BF is that they are, for most of us, ones that are in the air we breathe: thinness, a certain type of maternity, and traditional gender roles. It is worthwhile for some to question their own relationship to those ideas, rather than be on a conveyer belt of “This is what worthiness looks like.” And sometimes that looks like getting a bug in your ass about something. I think about how much of my identify formation was about getting bothered by my parents and the world--and then ultimately releasing what isn’t for me (and then circling back to rage when necessary).
Thanks so much Kaitlyn for this thoughtful comment. This is why I love writing here -- I want to get other people's perspectives and be challenged to think differently! You're absolutely right that feeling a bug up your ass can teach you your own values, like "Hmm...this pisses me off...why might that be?"
I think this is a matter of productive rage, right? If we allow those feelings to teach us, great! Where it becomes kind of useless to me is if I just get all pissed off, rage in the comments, but then don't do think about/do anything about what that truly means to me.
Thanks for making me think deeper!
Totally--the hope is that it moves into productive rage, for everyone involved 😂. But/And I know, at least for me, it’s very non-linear and takes a minute (or like, thousands of minutes stitched together).
Thank you for writing this! I occasionally check out Ballerina Farm's Insta account and agree that the cooking vids are nice. I have vaguely followed the "discourse" on Hannah and her adventures in pageantry and pregnancy, and I always have the urge to shout at the people criticizing and complaining about her: being on social media and following certain people is a choice! Choose to get off it! bravely unfollow Ballerina Farm! Do something that makes your own life better! Stop worrying about a stranger and her choices! If it wasn't for social media none of us would know what Hannah was up to!
This was really interesting. When you asked, “How much do I care about changing anything about my body and my habits, considering what I’ll sacrifice and what I’ll gain?" I thought about what women gain from their weight. The Economist wrote an article on “The Economics of Thinness”. They state that “For an obese woman, losing weight could boost her salary by as much as obtaining a master’s degree.” Do you think women carry this subconscious baggage? Even as much as you try to remove yourself from Instagram etc. the data doesn't lie so we're in this cycle?
yes I remember that article! I'm sure we carry this baggage, 100%. I don't think many people deny that the world unfortunately and unfairly makes life easier for not-fat people (which is why fat activist movements exist, after all)
Concur that we definitely carry this baggage but I think this exactly goes to Mikala’s point - at this point in my life, the thought of getting a masters degree to increase my earning potential is a lot more appealing and in line with my values than the thought of losing weight to do so. Frankly, I think I would find it easier than losing weight, as someone with a seemingly permanent 15 lb postpartum weight gain 🤷♀️. Granted, there are other non-salary benefits to closer conformity with prevailing beauty standards, but I’m willing to lose out on those to enjoy my time in ways other than those required to achieve the closer conformity.
Yes. Yes.
I can see why the name "Ballerina farm" might subconsciously or consciously provoke cultural ire though—some apparent semiotic deviousness, there.
oh trueeeee
Absolutely love the quote, “The problem is not that she’s setting unrealistic expectations of postpartum but rather that we are expecting her to set expectations at all. I would ask those criticizing why it isn’t okay for her to make this decision for herself. I believe she, just like every other woman, has the right to make decisions about her own body.” YES YES YES. Beautifully written article, Mikala!
Completely agree. And love Mikala’s point about selling something - if BF was selling weight loss strategies, it would be a different story. But she’s not. Critics should give the gal a break (or unfollow) and go live their life.
Thank you Kate!
Mikala, this piece is absolutely priceless.
Incredibly illuminating and inspiring (and I think about the importance of values--especially as they relate to our wellbeing a LOT, as doing so ties into my healthcare startup--but I’ve NEVER gone this deep and wide about values and the subject matter at hand.
Will share with others over time.
Just flippin’ stellar ✨❤️🔥✨
Thank you.
Appreciate you so much lesli!
Your works and words are just so aligned with my professional and personal work and worlds!!
And you put words to core themes of my worlds in ways to which I can only aspire. So THANK YOU for so much illumination. And for being such a rich resource I can quote, share (and possible cite in the future) where fitting in all realms of my worlds ; ) 💛
Eight. EIGHT. LOL footnotes 1 + 3 had me howling. maybe we should be applauding her ability to mother eight children. anyways, such a thoughtful post i really enjoyed.
and you know, i always had a strange taste left in my mouth after glancing at some (one?) of the substacks that spends so much time dissecting her life. i'm all for a you do you mentality, write about what makes you light up! guess it just felt like a lot to me!
i love me some footnotes! glad you liked them :D
I really enjoyed this, found it very insightful, and agree on all counts.
Thanks Nadja!
The problem isn’t with Ballerina Farm, it’s with the fact that we are conflating the person with the BALLARINA FARM BRAND; she’s.a.BRAND— a “wholesome” anomaly of Ballerina turned marry a billionaire turned “trad-wife”, for profit. It’s a whiplash (albeit trauma response) to the collective suffocation we all endured from the Kardashian Klan’s foolery. What’s the most troubling is that the people are the most viscous are Women against each other. I long for the day when women can just LOVE WITHOUT wanting to become brands or businesses or feeling the need to “do it all”— jamming it wildly down our throats.
Honestly it may not be any decision Hannah’s making. I’ve been told I look like I didn’t give birth before I’m even discharged from the hospital with each baby and I certainly have NOT worked out 🤷♀️ sometimes it’s just how our bodies are. By two weeks, if I did have the looks and the inclination for it, I would have been thin enough for a pageant. If after 8 babies she keeps getting thin in record time, then it may just be her body. That’s more plausible to me than anything else. And after so many babies she probably knows what’s realistic for her and what’s not, therefore it may not have been a crazy decision to sign up for the pageant after all. So in a way it’s even more damaging because you’re essentially comparing yourself to someone else’s genetics. We can’t help how we’re born. If you don’t happen to share her genetic inclination, it’s likely no amount of work will get you there. You’ll just drive yourself insane if you believe it just takes slightly more discipline than you’re exhibiting. If my postpartum body was down to discipline, I would never have achieved it.
It’s a mistake to want to be someone else because you’re not them. I know that’s rich coming from me, but take marrying the son of a billionaire. There are so few of them to go around. Wanting it will just make me sad. And as my husband never ceases to remind me, no matter how pretty a cottagecore, homesteading lifestyle looks, I don’t even like to be outside. I’ve been on farms. I know what they smell like. I’m one of those people who hates beaches because sand is a lot prettier than it is nice to walk on. TO ME. So ultimately it doesn’t bother me that Hannah is homesteading and I’m not 🤣 I also have 3 little kids. Enough to know I do NOT want 8! When you really think through these things, you might see very good reasons you’re you and she’s her. And you may not want to pay the price of being her, as invisible as it is in the instagram reels.
This is a very interesting reflection. I've grown up in a community where mothers having 8 children is pretty common. I come from a family of 5 kids and we're jokingly considered a small family. These mothers who are having 8 and in a few cases 12 children truly average different body types. From my observation, as a non mother in this community, there's not so much shame around the way one looks after 5 or even 12 children. Each woman is focusing on her life (and kids). Certainly the number of kids one has is a different discussion, but I think comes down to the same conclusion: that's your life! It's up to your family to discern. I think understanding that each woman's lifestyle will look different than your own is the most crucial thing here, as you've stated. Try not to fall into the mindset that "I'm doing it wrong because it doesn't look like her." It's kind of frustrating that we assume that what we see online is what people are telling us is the "ideal" or the only way. I think it might tie into our culture's "what about me?" syndrome. Not everything is about me and not everyone is telling me to do things like them! Nuance is the greatest knife against this beast of polarization the online world exists as, in my humble opinion.
Finally somebody said it! This is such a great text and this is, in my opinion, what feminism SHOULD look like. Namely, "I don't have to agree with all of your values to still value and respect your choices (as long as it doesn't harm others)". Too many people get lost on the "this is not a good example for ..."-track. Why should it be?! She is just living HER life.
You said it much better than me in your text!
I, too, respect "Balerina Farm" although I don't share her values. You have to give her some credit, in my opinion, for the style she manages to keep up. She looks friendly, natural and lovely in her videos, I must admit, and her children and even her husband seem lovely people too. Why should we judge them for what we don't even know about them?
Mikala, I found your summary simultaneously wise (dare I say old fashioned?) and almost refreshingly radical by today’s standards; take responsibility for yourself. Bravo!
Great piece