💬Discussion post: Body talk at the holidays

How to not lose it.

From “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles,” which I only just saw for the first time. Steve Martin was kind of doing it for me, I’ll be honest.

Hi hi! Currently writing a draft of this post while on a plane, on a Microsoft Word doc (lol), because I shan’t be paying for the $24 (!!!) WiFi — a sucker was not born this minute! I’m visiting family for the Thanksgiving week, which stirred up some thoughts for this week’s discussion post.

First, in case you missed it: My latest full post is below, about some online chatter I’ve seen about politically left people (maybe) getting more into exercise post-election. One commenter summed up what I think is mostly going on here:

“To me it just seems like someone trying to prove how maximally appalled they are by the election results.”

Is a post-election fitness frenzy coming?

I mean, yeah, but if anyone is truly compelled to get more into exercise right now, I offer some thoughts on 1). Why it’s kind of a bummer that it takes a crisis for people to get into it but in our culture that’s unsurprising, and, 2). Why “Maybe I’ll need to punch a Nazi one day” isn’t the best reason to prioritize exercise in your life when there are so many others more likely to be meaningful to you for all time.

Now, the discussion: I’m very glad that irritating body-and-eating talk at my family’s holiday gatherings is mostly nonexistent at this point¹, but I could unfurl a 30-foot scroll of sorrows documenting past instances of it. I’m sure many of you could, too.

As we know, the holiday and new year season tends to send people into paroxysms of anxiety about eating and their bodies. I’ve been there myself. There is abundant rich food we’re encouraged to enjoy but the implicit mandate to avoid holiday weight gain still holds strong. The pressure of new year’s resolution season looms (79% of Americans say something related to health, exercise, or diet is their New Year’s resolution).²

Family members grab second helpings while making a show of saying they “shouldn’t” or are “being bad” or “calories don’t count at the holidays.” Among people who haven’t seen each other in a while, there might be remarks about so-and-so’s weight gain or loss or eating habits. It is a time where American angst about food and bodies is turbocharged by a singular focus on both. If you’re sensitive to any of this, it’s maddening, I know.

So, I’ll offer some tips for how to deal with and respond to such body bullshit if it flies your way this week and during the holiday season to come. Then, please, let all of us know in the comments:

How do you mentally deal with, or outwardly respond to, body or food talk that bothers you during the holidays?

My insights: While I suppose you could react to any of this by calling people out, arguing with them, chastising them for their words or actions, etc., in my experience that just ruins everyone’s holiday including your own. This advice is about how to take a more tactful, high-road approach. Here, I’m all about getting through it and getting on with it, gracefully.

To wit: I once found myself so aggrieved by someone’s body-and-food talk at the holidays (every five minutes it was a new expression of eating-related guilt and worry over “getting fat”) that I took them aside and summoned everything I’ve ever learned about courageous conversations and “I” statements. I told them that I deeply relate to how much anxiety a food-focused event can stir up if you’ve ever had issues in that area, so I’d love to have us both release ourselves from any kind of eating commentary.

“Why don’t we both just stop worrying and talking about any of that tonight,” I said. “It’ll all be waiting for us another time, yeah?” If you have a solid relationship with someone doing this kind of thing, it could be more helpful than you might expect to say something similar. It can engender a soothing, in-this-together spirit. You aren’t responsible for their actions or feelings, but I believe this kind of call-in can help you both. But other than that:

If someone is being loudly self-critical about their own eating or body but you aren’t up for having a heart-to-heart with them: If they’re not speaking directly to you, it’s best to plain ignore it. They’re looking for a response and an affirmation that their food and body anxiety is worth the entire assembly’s attention and time. I don’t think they should be granted that, not because their feelings aren’t legitimate and understandable, but because one of the ways to make public body bullshit less acceptable is to simply not entertain it as a matter of conversation in mixed company. They have to learn to handle it in appropriate settings. Sometimes when people do this kind of thing, I go into “I have recently been lobotomized” mode. No eye contact, no response, no facial expression. They’ll move on.

If someone says something directly to you about your eating or your body, or about someone else’s eating or body to you: Be pleasantly confused. Play dumb, basically. Remark on the strangeness of what they’re saying, act as though you don’t know what they could possibly mean, or offer a nonspecific and noncommittal response, like so:

Them: “Looks like Cousin Whoever has really gained weight.”
You, pleasantly: “Huh, I don’t know why you’d mention that! Anyway, [prepared topic change or become suddenly preoccupied with someone across the room].”  

Them: “Wow, going for another helping?!”
You, pleasantly: “Are you watching me? Haha, why would you do that?”
Or, perhaps a Midwestern-style, “You betcha,” or a Northeastern wisecracker-esque, “You bet your ass.”

Them: “[Boring litany about their crash diet, unscientific claims about why X food will make you fat and kill you, etc.]”
You: “Wow, hell of a thing.”
This one is courtesy of a dear friend (hi Risa!) who told me that her best guy friend responds this way when someone is going on about nonsense, but he doesn’t want to offend them or get into it but also doesn’t want to agree. It’s perfect!  

All of this is about outwardly dealing with eating and body angst. Your internal world may be a different story. Even if I adopt a stoic, rise-above mindset I might be caterwauling in my mind because this stuff still bothers me. I do think, though, there’s a bit of a cause-and-effect here: If I react like a cooler customer than I really am, it helps me let go of a lot of this garbage in my thoughts, too.

And listen, if all else fails when you’re clawing into the bottom of the table about body bullshit at the holidays? Grab your phone, say you’re going to the bathroom, and come back to these comments and vent to us. We get it.

Let us know how you deal in a comment below. I’m on vacation so I’ll be delayed in my responses but will get to them all eventually. Hope you have a pleasant week!

1. Maybe because my relations are blessedly more attuned to the “Shut up about other people’s bodies” cultural shift as of late, or maybe because they know I don’t suffer body bullshit so they save it for behind my back.

2. For what it’s worth: I have no problem with New Year’s resolutions related to the body; if someone has a sane, safe, sustainable body-related goal and the beginning of the year serves as a tidy little starting point for them, cool. It’s when people make a big production of talking about it that it annoys and puts pressure on those around them. Don’t make your body goals other people’s business without their consent.