Hey all. Jusssttt to be sure we're on the same page: This discussion is not about trashing body/beauty things you don’t happen to care about, or suggesting that it’s silly/bad to care about those things. It’s about recognizing that despite constant messages we hear about how to change our looks/bodies, there are some things we're just not as pressed about for some reason or another, because we all have different relationships to these things.
Please take care in your comments to take more of a "I just don't worry about This Thing" tone than a "This Thing is dumb" tone. Thank you <3
Oh my - I love this question! I'm a dietitian and talk constantly with clients about body image. I actually wrote more about how apathy is an essential tool for body image healing and how to figure out things you can care less about: https://moresoon.substack.com/p/i-cant-care-about-this.
Things I can't care about include: the societal pressure to self-tan, removing my arm hair, dying my hair, and teeth whitening.
Thank you for posting this question! I can't wait to hear the replies :)
Love it, and subscribing! Teeth whitening is an interesting one for me. I care about it! Perhaps driven into me by my mother who worked in a dental office and has great teeth, lol aghhh
Mikala!! I must say I'm a little starstruck?! I'm so excited to welcome you :)
Also re: teeth whitening - this is an interesting one because I really *want* to do it and know it would increase my confidence but my teeth are so sensitive that I can't do it. It's an interesting observing of my wanting and feeling like I just, simply, can't have it...which is definitely a common "body image" experience of many (albeit in different areas of one's body).
I second the hair coloring! Last year, I gave up on it and am embracing the incoming white hair. It’s too much work, and for what? On top of that, feeling the need to style my hair everyday is too much work. I have natural curly hair and wearing it more naturally in the last year.
You made me think of another one! I barely cut my hair. Like I get a haircut once a year. My stylist is always mad at me. I wear my hair long and simple and just cannot be bothered to "style" it all the time. I only get it cut when the split ends have made their presence a little TOO known
I told my husband that eventually I'll go gray. I still highlight my hair a few times a year because my natural color is mousey and I don't love how it looks on me. I do it for me, wear my hair length, style, etc, for me and me alone. I now go 2-3 days between washes so I've learned to let go of perfect hair. It's so freeing.
So resonant. It's also...so expensive?! I also agree re: styling hair. At the ripe age of 33 I still don't possess hair styling skills lol. Love that your natural curls are out to play!!
I know I replied above, but something that I’m putting my foot down on this year is not getting my nails done. I’ve experimented a bit on and off over the last few years, and while I like a polished look, I can’t sustain this upkeep. The amount of nails I’ve lost to kettlebells renders it totally worthless! This year, I welcome a clean & short look and function over all.
I also don't wear makeup for the most part. I wear it when I want to look nicer, like parties, nights out, celebrations, but I go to work with a bare face every day :) I also really like my teeth.
The biggest one for me has been shifting my personal feelings on the weight fluctuations I go through. I don't mind being fatter as I've gotten older. I know what I looked like when I was 22 and had a great metabolism and walked to work every day and I'm a little sad I don't look like that anymore, but being able to say "I've gained weight" with no shame, just as a statement of fact, has been nice. Mostly because if I want to lose weight I know that I can, I've done it before, but there's nothing wrong with the way I look now. Seeing all the Kardashians getting skinny and being inundated with Ozempic ads has no effect on me now, there's no right or wrong attached to my waistline, it just is. If I want to change it I can, but ultimately my body is mine and I should care for it regardless.
For a body-related one: shaving my arms! My family used to tell me that guys wouldn't be interested if I didn't. I'm married and still have never shaved them, so I guess they were wrong.
For beauty: I can't be bothered to make sure everything is crease-proof and smooth. I wear a bra and underwear, you're going to see their outline sometimes and it's not the end of the world. Bodies are also not 2-dimensional. So if it doesn't look completely smooth and you can see a bump IDGAF, I will not be wearing Spanx to fix it.
Fellow hairy arms unite! I married a Turkish man and at our wedding in Turkey the women who were styling my hair kept gesturing to my arm hair and asking if I wanted them waxed. NO! They're hairy all year they can be hairy today lol.
Nails are mine. If I grow my nails out even a little, they make me insane. I keep them neat and filed, but I do not bother with manicures anymore. I hate pedicures and only get them if I have to, because I cannot stand having my feet touched and the whole situation is so awkward for me. Yes, it feels nice in the end, but it's torture to get it done.
Also I have always worn my hair curly, even in the early aughts/late 90s, because I didn't want to destroy my hair blowing it out all the time AND I am not good at it. I still get mad when my hairdresser gives me a blowout and I hear stuff like "Wow! You look like a different person!" or "omg it looks so good straight!". It's clear that curly hair has been viewed as unkempt and not "elegant" (and I am sure racism plays a part. I am white but I know all about the straightening/haircare that women of color are expected to do). IDGAF, that's my hair and I don't have time or inclination. It took me a long time to love my curls.
It's so nuts because as someone with pin-straight hair, I've always wanted curly. I got a PERM in 8th grade. We always want what we can't have ...
I have started to really enjoy getting my nails done as a once in a blue moon treat where I get crazy colors or nail art, because it feels like wearing a painting on my hands for a couple of weeks. Just a regular-degular neutral mani is not worth it to me. But I agree, it's such a whole THING to sit through, and I hate dealing with getting them removed (I have removed them myself before, to disastrous results)
oh and I love my curls, I really do, but jeeezus it is a pain in the ass. My hair is BABY FINE and very very curly, and there is just no telling what it will do until it dries. Sometimes it looks amazing, sometimes it looks like shit.
I got acrylics once a long time ago, and accidentally shut my finger in a file cabinet. My whole fake nail broke off and took a nice chunk of my real nail with it. It was exquisitely painful. NEVER AGAIN.
Oh boy I love this. I don’t care about having big lips (or not having big lips, in my case). I also don’t care about wrinkles on my forehead. Those are a direct result of my semi-permanent “wtf are you doing” face because I have 3 hilariously creative and feral little kids. I’m proud of those lines.
I don’t shave my armpits. I’ve done it once in 5 years (bridesmaid at a friends BIG wedding and didn’t want her to get nasty comments from family re: pictures of my hairy pits). I talk to my daughters all the time about humans have hair everywhere and you get to decide what to do with it and each area can be its own choice. I like juxtaposing my plucked eyebrows with my no makeup most days. My hairy pits with shaved legs.
I really like how you frame that for your daughters! It's all about choice & we can change our minds/make different choices on different parts of ourselves
I also keep my armpit hair. It's just a little peach fuzz. It doesn't make me smell bad, and the skin under there would get so irritated from shaving. I stopped shaving six years ago and have never regretted it. Men think it's hot, if they care at all.
There are so many things I don't care about or at least care little enough about to not think negatively about not doing or not having it. But something I have come to care less about is the aesthetics of weight. I don't care about looking skinny, but people are often surprised by me saying that because I am trying to lose some weight. But the reality is that I was overweight before covid and now I am technically obese (people are shocked but my BMI is 38). I'm not ashamed of that, but I feel it in my back and knees. So, yes, I do want to lose weight, but not having the pressure of doing it for looks really makes it less of a miserable experience and I'm not so much aiming for a number just a feeling.
I totally get it. You're speaking to the nuance of body image and weight, for sure -- I know weight/diet stuff is fraught with baggage but I really believe not everyone is trying to manipulate their weight solely because they want to be thin. I can say from experience that you can want to lose some body fat for myriad reasons that don't involve starving yourself until you're a size 0. It was only once I changed my relationship to food & exercise (and thus, my body changed) that I realized how much I don't care about being as thin as I once thought I wanted to be.
Love this question and seeing everyone else’s responses!! I don’t care about dyeing my hair a lighter color, I’m “dirty blonde” and think it’s special just the way it is.
Also I’m quite fair and do not attempt to make myself significantly tanner, I wear spf and cover my arms in the summer and don’t wear fake tan!
Very recently (as in like maybe a couple months ago) I finally stopped allowing myself to completely hate my lower belly. My tummy is soft and even when I was active ED and underweight I still stored some fat there, I never get lean there. But now I am totally embracing it. It feels very feminine. I look at my belly and think, wow, she is always there, protecting me with this stored energy, should I ever need it. What a beautiful way my body has of protecting me and preparing for the future. What made this shift for me? Literally couldn’t tell you. It just happened.
I care not one whit about lines on my face, or whether or not I should get Botox/fillers, or really anything anyone has to say in the discourse around it. I saw a post recently about how "women need to rebrand natural aging" and I was like, how about we just not worry about branding ourselves at all? Botox is BORING.
I simply don't care about eyelashes. I used to wear mascara daily but then started resenting the daily maintenance of it - under eyes blackened by stray tears, itchy eyelids etc And what's more, I haaaaaaate removing it so I just...stopped.
There is a worldwide community of people who hate removing mascara more than any other cosmetic routine, and I could be their fearless leader. Why is it soooo annoying
I love this! There are a few that come to mind: being tan, having my nails done/having long nails, wearing makeup, getting my eyebrows done, and having stubble or hair growth on my legs or underarms! When I was a teen or even into my twenties, I would be so embarrassed for someone to see that my legs, god forbid, had HAIR growing out of *gasp* hair follicles! I am incredibly pleased that I now no longer care and will shave them when I please. Brain space = open.
That's so true, I used to be so worried about someone seeing my stubble! There was this whole mania in middle/high school about avoiding visible stubble. Now I barely notice it, thank god
Reading these comments is making me realize there's a lot more I don't care about than I initially thought. Not wearing makeup especially resonated with me.
A big (ha!) one for me is my upper arms. I'm not sure if there's some secret Fat Girl Code that says your upper arms need to stay covered at all times, but fuck that!
I also never wear makeup unless I'm going out somewhere special or unless I feel like it. If I feel better without it I don't care what others opinions are. I also am always wearing Starface pimple patches in public and am surprised when people don't know what they are or give me weird looks because I thought everyone was doing this?
I also a lot of times don't do my hair. ( I don't put products in my hair). I sometimes wish I cared more about it but I have curly hair that when undone just looks likes it's supposed to be giving fro / wild curls and I'm in a state of mind lately where that's enough.
I have to be so for real, I have been mystified by the pimple patches in public, not because I think there's anything wrong with it, but because when I was growing up, calling attention to zits in this way would neverrrrrr happen. We were all slathering ten layers of foundation and concealer over them. Just wearing the patches is probably more psychologically healthy lol
Hey all. Jusssttt to be sure we're on the same page: This discussion is not about trashing body/beauty things you don’t happen to care about, or suggesting that it’s silly/bad to care about those things. It’s about recognizing that despite constant messages we hear about how to change our looks/bodies, there are some things we're just not as pressed about for some reason or another, because we all have different relationships to these things.
Please take care in your comments to take more of a "I just don't worry about This Thing" tone than a "This Thing is dumb" tone. Thank you <3
Oh my - I love this question! I'm a dietitian and talk constantly with clients about body image. I actually wrote more about how apathy is an essential tool for body image healing and how to figure out things you can care less about: https://moresoon.substack.com/p/i-cant-care-about-this.
Things I can't care about include: the societal pressure to self-tan, removing my arm hair, dying my hair, and teeth whitening.
Thank you for posting this question! I can't wait to hear the replies :)
Love it, and subscribing! Teeth whitening is an interesting one for me. I care about it! Perhaps driven into me by my mother who worked in a dental office and has great teeth, lol aghhh
Mikala!! I must say I'm a little starstruck?! I'm so excited to welcome you :)
Also re: teeth whitening - this is an interesting one because I really *want* to do it and know it would increase my confidence but my teeth are so sensitive that I can't do it. It's an interesting observing of my wanting and feeling like I just, simply, can't have it...which is definitely a common "body image" experience of many (albeit in different areas of one's body).
I second the hair coloring! Last year, I gave up on it and am embracing the incoming white hair. It’s too much work, and for what? On top of that, feeling the need to style my hair everyday is too much work. I have natural curly hair and wearing it more naturally in the last year.
You made me think of another one! I barely cut my hair. Like I get a haircut once a year. My stylist is always mad at me. I wear my hair long and simple and just cannot be bothered to "style" it all the time. I only get it cut when the split ends have made their presence a little TOO known
I totally feel this, my hair will do her thing and I will not intervene
I told my husband that eventually I'll go gray. I still highlight my hair a few times a year because my natural color is mousey and I don't love how it looks on me. I do it for me, wear my hair length, style, etc, for me and me alone. I now go 2-3 days between washes so I've learned to let go of perfect hair. It's so freeing.
So resonant. It's also...so expensive?! I also agree re: styling hair. At the ripe age of 33 I still don't possess hair styling skills lol. Love that your natural curls are out to play!!
As someone earning a master's in nutrition and working towards what you're doing, I am very excited to be here with you!! <3
Best of luck with your studies!!
WE NEED YOU!!!! Please feel free to reach out if you ever want to connect!!
Thank you both!!
I know I replied above, but something that I’m putting my foot down on this year is not getting my nails done. I’ve experimented a bit on and off over the last few years, and while I like a polished look, I can’t sustain this upkeep. The amount of nails I’ve lost to kettlebells renders it totally worthless! This year, I welcome a clean & short look and function over all.
I love this! I am a big fan of a natural nail - its soooo much work to keep them painted/unchipped!
I also don't wear makeup for the most part. I wear it when I want to look nicer, like parties, nights out, celebrations, but I go to work with a bare face every day :) I also really like my teeth.
The biggest one for me has been shifting my personal feelings on the weight fluctuations I go through. I don't mind being fatter as I've gotten older. I know what I looked like when I was 22 and had a great metabolism and walked to work every day and I'm a little sad I don't look like that anymore, but being able to say "I've gained weight" with no shame, just as a statement of fact, has been nice. Mostly because if I want to lose weight I know that I can, I've done it before, but there's nothing wrong with the way I look now. Seeing all the Kardashians getting skinny and being inundated with Ozempic ads has no effect on me now, there's no right or wrong attached to my waistline, it just is. If I want to change it I can, but ultimately my body is mine and I should care for it regardless.
This makes me so happy for you I could cry. Welcome. This is what we're going for in this space <3
Hip dips. Like, we can’t even have bones?
I'm so confused about what these even are (is it bones, or is it like, love handles?) and that confusion has led me to just reject any further inquiry
Same, I think I might have these, and for some reason I’m supposed to care??
For a body-related one: shaving my arms! My family used to tell me that guys wouldn't be interested if I didn't. I'm married and still have never shaved them, so I guess they were wrong.
For beauty: I can't be bothered to make sure everything is crease-proof and smooth. I wear a bra and underwear, you're going to see their outline sometimes and it's not the end of the world. Bodies are also not 2-dimensional. So if it doesn't look completely smooth and you can see a bump IDGAF, I will not be wearing Spanx to fix it.
"I'm married and still have never shaved them, so I guess they were wrong." 👑 -- here you dropped this
Great point about the "smoothness"!
Fellow hairy arms unite! I married a Turkish man and at our wedding in Turkey the women who were styling my hair kept gesturing to my arm hair and asking if I wanted them waxed. NO! They're hairy all year they can be hairy today lol.
Nails are mine. If I grow my nails out even a little, they make me insane. I keep them neat and filed, but I do not bother with manicures anymore. I hate pedicures and only get them if I have to, because I cannot stand having my feet touched and the whole situation is so awkward for me. Yes, it feels nice in the end, but it's torture to get it done.
Also I have always worn my hair curly, even in the early aughts/late 90s, because I didn't want to destroy my hair blowing it out all the time AND I am not good at it. I still get mad when my hairdresser gives me a blowout and I hear stuff like "Wow! You look like a different person!" or "omg it looks so good straight!". It's clear that curly hair has been viewed as unkempt and not "elegant" (and I am sure racism plays a part. I am white but I know all about the straightening/haircare that women of color are expected to do). IDGAF, that's my hair and I don't have time or inclination. It took me a long time to love my curls.
It's so nuts because as someone with pin-straight hair, I've always wanted curly. I got a PERM in 8th grade. We always want what we can't have ...
I have started to really enjoy getting my nails done as a once in a blue moon treat where I get crazy colors or nail art, because it feels like wearing a painting on my hands for a couple of weeks. Just a regular-degular neutral mani is not worth it to me. But I agree, it's such a whole THING to sit through, and I hate dealing with getting them removed (I have removed them myself before, to disastrous results)
oh and I love my curls, I really do, but jeeezus it is a pain in the ass. My hair is BABY FINE and very very curly, and there is just no telling what it will do until it dries. Sometimes it looks amazing, sometimes it looks like shit.
I got acrylics once a long time ago, and accidentally shut my finger in a file cabinet. My whole fake nail broke off and took a nice chunk of my real nail with it. It was exquisitely painful. NEVER AGAIN.
Totally agree about manicures and pedicures.
Oh boy I love this. I don’t care about having big lips (or not having big lips, in my case). I also don’t care about wrinkles on my forehead. Those are a direct result of my semi-permanent “wtf are you doing” face because I have 3 hilariously creative and feral little kids. I’m proud of those lines.
Same here. Totally fine with my thin lips and love my wrinkles too. They are signs of a life well lived!
I don’t shave my armpits. I’ve done it once in 5 years (bridesmaid at a friends BIG wedding and didn’t want her to get nasty comments from family re: pictures of my hairy pits). I talk to my daughters all the time about humans have hair everywhere and you get to decide what to do with it and each area can be its own choice. I like juxtaposing my plucked eyebrows with my no makeup most days. My hairy pits with shaved legs.
I really like how you frame that for your daughters! It's all about choice & we can change our minds/make different choices on different parts of ourselves
I love this! "Humans have hair everywhere and you get to decide what to do with it and each area can be its own choice."
I also keep my armpit hair. It's just a little peach fuzz. It doesn't make me smell bad, and the skin under there would get so irritated from shaving. I stopped shaving six years ago and have never regretted it. Men think it's hot, if they care at all.
There are so many things I don't care about or at least care little enough about to not think negatively about not doing or not having it. But something I have come to care less about is the aesthetics of weight. I don't care about looking skinny, but people are often surprised by me saying that because I am trying to lose some weight. But the reality is that I was overweight before covid and now I am technically obese (people are shocked but my BMI is 38). I'm not ashamed of that, but I feel it in my back and knees. So, yes, I do want to lose weight, but not having the pressure of doing it for looks really makes it less of a miserable experience and I'm not so much aiming for a number just a feeling.
I totally get it. You're speaking to the nuance of body image and weight, for sure -- I know weight/diet stuff is fraught with baggage but I really believe not everyone is trying to manipulate their weight solely because they want to be thin. I can say from experience that you can want to lose some body fat for myriad reasons that don't involve starving yourself until you're a size 0. It was only once I changed my relationship to food & exercise (and thus, my body changed) that I realized how much I don't care about being as thin as I once thought I wanted to be.
Love this question and seeing everyone else’s responses!! I don’t care about dyeing my hair a lighter color, I’m “dirty blonde” and think it’s special just the way it is.
Also I’m quite fair and do not attempt to make myself significantly tanner, I wear spf and cover my arms in the summer and don’t wear fake tan!
You've saved yourself a lot of trouble. I've dabbled in the fake tan world for a special occasion and it is a MEGA pain in the ass
Very recently (as in like maybe a couple months ago) I finally stopped allowing myself to completely hate my lower belly. My tummy is soft and even when I was active ED and underweight I still stored some fat there, I never get lean there. But now I am totally embracing it. It feels very feminine. I look at my belly and think, wow, she is always there, protecting me with this stored energy, should I ever need it. What a beautiful way my body has of protecting me and preparing for the future. What made this shift for me? Literally couldn’t tell you. It just happened.
love this for you
I care not one whit about lines on my face, or whether or not I should get Botox/fillers, or really anything anyone has to say in the discourse around it. I saw a post recently about how "women need to rebrand natural aging" and I was like, how about we just not worry about branding ourselves at all? Botox is BORING.
👏 NOT👏ONE👏WHIT👏
I simply don't care about eyelashes. I used to wear mascara daily but then started resenting the daily maintenance of it - under eyes blackened by stray tears, itchy eyelids etc And what's more, I haaaaaaate removing it so I just...stopped.
There is a worldwide community of people who hate removing mascara more than any other cosmetic routine, and I could be their fearless leader. Why is it soooo annoying
Wait you’re supposed to remove mascara? 🤪
I love this! There are a few that come to mind: being tan, having my nails done/having long nails, wearing makeup, getting my eyebrows done, and having stubble or hair growth on my legs or underarms! When I was a teen or even into my twenties, I would be so embarrassed for someone to see that my legs, god forbid, had HAIR growing out of *gasp* hair follicles! I am incredibly pleased that I now no longer care and will shave them when I please. Brain space = open.
That's so true, I used to be so worried about someone seeing my stubble! There was this whole mania in middle/high school about avoiding visible stubble. Now I barely notice it, thank god
Reading these comments is making me realize there's a lot more I don't care about than I initially thought. Not wearing makeup especially resonated with me.
A big (ha!) one for me is my upper arms. I'm not sure if there's some secret Fat Girl Code that says your upper arms need to stay covered at all times, but fuck that!
Let those arms freeeeeeeee
I also never wear makeup unless I'm going out somewhere special or unless I feel like it. If I feel better without it I don't care what others opinions are. I also am always wearing Starface pimple patches in public and am surprised when people don't know what they are or give me weird looks because I thought everyone was doing this?
I also a lot of times don't do my hair. ( I don't put products in my hair). I sometimes wish I cared more about it but I have curly hair that when undone just looks likes it's supposed to be giving fro / wild curls and I'm in a state of mind lately where that's enough.
I have to be so for real, I have been mystified by the pimple patches in public, not because I think there's anything wrong with it, but because when I was growing up, calling attention to zits in this way would neverrrrrr happen. We were all slathering ten layers of foundation and concealer over them. Just wearing the patches is probably more psychologically healthy lol
I used to be a Concealer Queen but I'm trying to heal my face from breakouts and scars and the makeup doesn't help so it's the stars fa me!