Is it OK to shoot your shot at the gym?
On flirting (or not) where you sweat.
This post is inspired by a recent video by Joey Swoll, the self-proclaimed “CEO of GYM POSITIVITY,” and I do recommend you smash that follow.
Is it ever OK to flirt with, ask out, or otherwise shoot your shot with someone in the gym?
My take as a woman who is in the gym several times per week for work and my own workouts: Yes, it can be OK to shoot your shot in the gym, but as is the case in any other context and location, it requires tact, understanding of social cues, and emotional intelligence. There are times when hitting on someone in the gym is not acceptable, and there are valid reasons why some people believe that it’s never OK.
I once dated a guy who hit on me at the gym. I was walking past him on my way to stretch, my headphones were off, and we made eye contact and he said, “I like your shoes.” I was wearing my neon-green and blue weight lifting shoes, which are fabulous, so I thanked him and added that they are in fact men’s shoes because the women’s sizes didn’t have the colors I liked. Reader, I added that charming detail because I thought he was hot, his opening line was pleasant and complimentary but not lecherous, and he didn’t bother me when I was in the middle of a set with dumbbells in my hands. Shot taken. Slam dunk.
Had he interrupted my reps — you talk to me as I’m under the barbell for hip thrusts? Right to jail, right away — made me take my headphones off to hear him, and opened immediately with a “Date me, please,” line (as it appears the guy in Joey Swoll’s video does), I would have been annoyed. People are in the gym to exercise, so I agree that the best time to approach is when they’re resting, post-workout stretching, or leaving.
I also think the best flirting is that oblique, plausible deniability flirting — Oh, I’m only complimenting your shoes, nothing more, wink wink — because it allows for a little conversation to suss out whether we can talk about anything besides my phone number. I’ve also appreciated remarks about what I’m doing in the gym. If someone says, “Nice pull,” while I’m resting in between sets, I can nod with gym bro gratitude and end the conversation there, or I can open the door for more exercise talk, and then maybe flirty talk if I’m interested (or, of course, if they are. Not every comment is a flirting comment. Sometimes, believe it or not, people are just being nice).
Basically, make your opening line about gym stuff. No reasonable person can accuse you of being weird or creepy if you say a nice gym thing in a gym.
Also understand that there are many women especially who are so burnt out by harassment from legitimate creeps (staring at us, lurking around us, touching us or our equipment, recording us, not leaving us alone when we express disinterest) that they want nothing to do with men in the gym. I believe anyone is within their rights to make a non-insane and well-timed expression of interest in another person in the gym, but you have to accept that some people don’t want to hear it. You might have to take some Ls. That’s the case with flirting and dating everywhere.
I don’t think the gym should be totally off-limits as a potential shot-shooting space, because if two people are in the gym at the same time, they likely share something that brings people together as romantic partners: a mutual interest. It’s a bleak reality that the “third places” in our modern world are diminishing, and such places are where people find community with each other and yes, date. If the gym is an IRL space where I might encounter other people my age with a similar hobby, I’d pick it over the hell of online dating any time. Note: Going to the same workout classes routinely is especially good for this. You see the same people over and over, classes can be conducive to an icebreaking “We’re all in this together” feel, and people tend to hang out and talk before and after. Classes can be good for dating and for finding friends. More on solo workouts versus group classes here.
Something else I acknowledge is that I’m incredibly comfortable at the gym. I’ve been working out at my gym (and work there as a cycling instructor) for more than six years. I know what I’m doing, I know where everything is, I know people there. I’m more amenable to people talking to me in the gym because I feel completely at ease in it. This is not the case for a lot of people. Gyms can be spaces of intimidation and there are people who believe and act as though others there are interlopers or targets for unsolicited and condescending advice. If you see someone with their gigantic headphones perpetually plastered to their ears, a “do not approach or even perceive me” aura, and nary a smile to be found, do not pass go. You’re not going to break through with your sparkling personality nor should you try.
But if someone seems not entirely hostile to human interaction and you consider the other unspoken rules at play here? I think you should shoot your shot.
Your turn. Tell me what you think. Shooting your shot at the gym: Yay or nay? Why or why not?
I agree with everything you've said here. I think the trouble is that a large percentage of men do not, in fact, know how to shoot their shot in an appropriate way. (Basically anywhere, including at the gym.) The "Can you flirt at the gym?" discussion actually kind of misses the point. The larger societal problem is men feeling entitled to women's time, attention, and energy, at all hours of the day, wherever they are. It's understandably exhausting for women, and it ruins it for the men who CAN flirt and take the L well (without acting like a petulant child). Instead of talking about whether or not it's "allowed" (as though that's a behavior that gym employees are going to police), I'd rather Fitstagram actually looked at the problem head-on, and had a conversation about how men can stop being creepy and entitled. You can see this in the comments on JoeySwoll's post: lots of men saying the woman posted the interaction for "likes/attention," and even Joey himself said he "wouldn't have posted the interaction." (Not to rag on Joey, as he seems like a decent person.) But she didn't even post the guy's face! Again, the entitlement: a woman posts something highlighting bad behavior from men, and the response is this weird, "Is this behavior allowed??" question from men, with little to no acknowledgment that this issue is a symptom of a massive problem that affects women everywhere, every day, in and out of the gym.
The caveats all boil down to people being normal, so it ain't happening!