People should be flirting in the gym, actually

This should make perfect sense to reasonable and respectful people who just want some human connection in our godforsaken social atmosphere.

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Last week I wrote a piece for Slate¹ about why I think the gym should be a place for flirting/shooting your shot/meeting people romantically, despite the prevailing feeling that these are off-limits there. In our lonely, anti-social, dating-feels-impossible modern culture, I think the gym is a great place for these things, actually, and I believe we can encode a new etiquette and framework for doing them respectfully. Below is most of the piece, with a link to read the whole thing for free.

Do you agree? Do you think I’m insane? Do you have gym flirting success or horror stories? Let me know in the comments!

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The most charming way I’ve ever been hit on was at the gym.

I was walking over to the stretching area after my workout, my headphones off, ready to cool down, when a guy I’d seen around before made eye contact with me, smiled, and said, “I like your shoes.” I was wearing my blue-and-neon-green weightlifting shoes. I thanked him and added that they were actually men’s shoes because the women’s sizes didn’t have the colors I wanted. (I did not tell him, though, that men’s athletic shoes fit me better because my feet are shaped like vast pontoon boats.)

I added that detail because he was cute, his opening line was polite and contextually appropriate, and he didn’t bother me when I was under a barbell in the middle of a set. Shot taken. Slam dunk. We kept chatting that day. Then we dated for a couple of years.

As a former fitness instructor and competitive powerlifter who has spent innumerable hours in fitness spaces, I’d like to make a controversial claim: Against the prevailing advice to mind one’s business in the gym, people should be flirting with each other more. (For the record, many queer people are already on board with this and have written lots of thoughtful guides that straight people can learn from.)

I can already hear you objecting: “But it’s creepy when he checks me out on the StairMaster!” You are correct: The way some people flirt at the gym is creepy, and it’s got to go. You bother someone with their headphones on, in the middle of their set? You sexualize their body as an opening line? You neg their form? You invade their personal space? You persist despite their rejection? To the seventh circle of hell you go. Far too many people—women especially—are hesitant to use fitness spaces because a bunch of jackasses didn’t get the memo that these things don’t fly. And they’re not wrong to feel anxious! If social media is to be believed, people do seem pretty confrontational at the gym, and it does appear like a terrible venue for human interaction.

There are posts upon posts of women being annoyed that men are looking at or talking to them; men being annoyed that women are annoyed; men complaining about how women dress at the gym; women responding that they couldn’t care less; and men pointing out that men themselves wear skimpy gym ’fits, so who are they to talk? It’s understandable that people would reject the gym floor, apparently a den of interpersonal rancor, as fertile ground for romance.

Here’s the thing, though: Those are extreme examples. I’ve been practically living in various gyms for the better part of a decade, and none of them was a thunderdome of sexual hostility. The vast majority of people were just working out and living their lives, not frothing at the mouth for a chance to spar with or humiliate each other. In fact, I’d argue that many of them would actually appreciate some human connection.

After all, people are lonely. They’re sick of dating apps. They’re craving a more in-person dating culture, but they don’t know where that should take place. I do. Gyms are one of the few remaining “third places”: neutral social settings, away from work and the home, in which people can talk, relax, and make friends. These spaces are where meaningful living, breathing connections are the most likely to happen—and where you’re most likely to feel the spark of meeting someone new. But unlike a bar (where flirting is harder to escape and everyone’s drunk) or a party (where potential encounters with strangers or friends-of-friends can leave you grasping at small-talk straws), the gym offers a number of wooing advantages.

First, if two people happen to be at the gym at the same time, they likely share something that brings people together: a mutual interest. You’re not starting from complete zero when you both know you like to exercise, or at least tolerate it enough to build it into your weekly routine. Secondly, exercise spaces answer the question that plagues many a potential suitor and keeps them confined to the safety of their living room: “What the hell do I start randomly talking to someone about?”

Good news: There’s so much to talk about at the gym, whether it’s their cool shoes or nice deadlift or where the resistance bands are stored. The opening lines and banter are ready-made. Just talk about gym stuff! No reasonable person could accuse you of being creepy if you make a kind, gym-related statement at a gym. That’s why my gym-shoe guy’s line worked. It was the exact sort of plausible-deniability flirting that comes across as casual and low-pressure. It wasn’t trying too hard. “Oh, I’m just complimenting your shoes, nothing more—wink, wink.” What an elegant way for relevant conversation to bloom.

I’ve also appreciated positive remarks about what I’m doing in the gym. If someone tells me my overhead squat is impressive while I’m resting between sets, I can accept their praise with fellow lifter gratitude and end the conversation there, or I can open the door for more workout talk, then flirtier talk if I’m interested.

Finally, it’s actually easier to shut things down on the flirting front. You pop your headphones back in and say, “OK, I’m gonna get back to my workout now,” and move along. You drop a nice little “I’m just here to exercise, have a good one.” There are so many things I can busy myself with if I want to put the interaction behind me: a different part of the gym, my next set, a trip to refill my water. By contrast, if I’m sitting at a coffee shop next to someone I no longer want to talk to, I’m kind of stuck. There aren’t as many reasons to exit the conversation or escape to a different part of the room.

The rest of the article goes into:

• More specific rules/etiquette for gym flirting

• My defense of people who don’t want to gym flirt

• How I’ve seen the gym atmosphere become more welcoming in general over the years

Tell me what you think below (after you read the whole article, like a good internet citizen, ofc).

1. This article is based off of an old Body Type post that has some of the same language, but I’ve expanded it quite a bit. If you’ve been here from the early days, it might seem familiar!