12 Comments
Jan 17, 2023Liked by Mikala Jamison

This may be completely irrelevant and not helpful for you, but re: gaining weight on vacation. I’m small fat (size 16) and ever since I stopped dieting, I don’t gain weight on vacation anymore. In fact, I’ve noticed sometimes my clothes are looser by the end of a vacation from walking 8-12 miles per day. Back when I was dieting, I would always eat a ton and gain a significant amount of weight every time I went on vacation (like 10 pounds on a week long trip), but since completely letting go of dieting and practicing intuitive eating, that’s no longer the case. I agree that it’s not necessarily realistic to give up the subconscious desire to be thinner - if I could snap my fingers and just be thinner, I would. However, significant recovery is possible: I don’t weigh myself, dieting isn’t tempting to me anymore, I eat whatever I want and my weight stays the same, most of what I’m attracted to is nutrient dense food, but whenever I want a treat, I have the treat. I have never felt so physically and mentally healthy. There are days I look in the mirror and don’t feel positive about my body, but I generally feel neutral towards it and I have fully internalized that the way I look is not an indicator of my worth as a person (which 6 years ago I didn’t even have the language to describe that’s how I felt).

On the other hand, I 100% understand what you’re saying. For me, it’s my forehead wrinkles and wanting botox - I don’t like the muscles and wrinkles on my forehead, I get the urge to get Botox again, then feel guilty for wanting botox. Then go back and forth in my head about it - justifying it (I’ve given up most skincare and makeup, I deserve to keep some of my beauty routines) and then not wanting to go through with it and feed into our appearance obsessed culture. Like you said, you can know exactly why you’re doing something, exactly why it’s problematic and disempowering - that doesn’t undo years of societal conditioning and brainwashing!

Expand full comment
author

Not irrelevant or unhelpful at all. You bring up a great point. I've definitely gained weight on vacation if I've been in a more restrictive mindset beforehand (and then, so, had binges on the vacation). Now it's more likely my body will change just because I'm a) drinking more alcohol, which is just always a kind of bloaty proposition for me and b) I've developed some food sensitivities and if I eat something my stomach doesn't like at some restaurant somewhere, it's more crazy bloating. It's not so much my pants don't fit from actual fat gain but from inflammation. (Which I'm trying to figure out because it's new and very annoying.) I do very much have to keep an eye on whether I'm being too rigid in my "normal" life though, which ofc can make me go nuts on vacation. Thanks for making me think about that!

Expand full comment
Jan 17, 2023Liked by Mikala Jamison

This article! Thank you for articulating so much of what has been on my mind lately. After gaining weight during pregnancy, a traumatic birth, breastfeeding, and trying to heal from all of that and the pandemic, I want to lose some if this extra weight, find my muscles, and enjoy the benefits of exercising that I love and miss. I have been reading a lot about diet culture and fatphobia recently and started feeling so confused and pangs of guilt for wanting to lose weight! You have helped me clarify that I am not alone, and it is my choice!

Expand full comment
author

Thank you! Wishing you all the best with all this recovery and your baby.

Expand full comment
Feb 15, 2023·edited Feb 15, 2023Liked by Mikala Jamison

I love how you've approached this sensitive topic with nuance and thought. Nowadays - be it because of social media algorithms - we're bombarded by content we either 100% agree with or 100% disagree with, but your reflection was so beautifully nuanced and real, and you analysed the two seemingly contrasting fields of body image so well.

This year has been pretty tough on my mental health, from studying for my Master's degree to losing a loved one, and the ensuing stress made me gain around 20 lbs. I'm still small, so I haven't directly experienced society's fatphobia, but I can't help but feel like a failure when my jeans from my last year don't fit me anymore. And, most days, I'm stuck in this conundrum of 'Should I lose weight and go back to 'normal' or do I accept my new body, even though I don't like what I see in the mirror, and I want my favourite jeans to fit me again?' It's hard! But seeing you approach the topic of body image with forgiveness and maturity was so insightful. And healing.

Expand full comment
author

Thank you so much Caterina. I'm sorry for your loss and for your tough year. I think you nail how I feel on these topics; I find it almost impossible to entirely agree/disagree with most body-related stuff because it's all so personal and complex and context-dependent, and it changes from minute to minute sometimes. It's hard to exist in this "messy middle" of how I think about body stuff and talk about these things on social media, for instance, where people want concise little tweets or infographics on IG. I think body stuff is often just too murky for that.

Thanks for reading!

Expand full comment
Jan 17, 2023Liked by Mikala Jamison

This was really good. We can recognize things that society and people do as fatphobic and it's really hard to unlearn that. I am vain too I want to wear better clothes and look a certain way. I think body positivity is too much for me like I just want to not hate my body and body neutrality sits easier with me. Thank you for this read!

Expand full comment
author

Glad you’re finding a point of view that works better for you :)

Expand full comment
Jan 17, 2023Liked by Mikala Jamison

I’ve lost 140 lbs because my HMO won’t fix my arthritic knees unless I weigh less. I’m tired of limiting my activities because I can’t stand or walk for long. And I am sure as hell enjoying sitting in a restaurant booth and not needing a seatbelt extender on a plane. It’s going to be interesting to see how this plays out in the long run but I love the concept that it’s nobody’s business but mine.

Expand full comment
author

Thanks for sharing, Kathryn!

Expand full comment

It really struck a chord with me when you said that " Changing your diet (how you eat 80% of the time) forever isn’t the same thing as dieting. Some say “lifestyle change” is a new diet company euphemism. That doesn’t make actual lifestyle change less legitimate."

Making small sustainable changes over time to your diet is probably the best way to enact healthy metabolic change. - like eating the right kinds of plants more regularly. https://mattcook.substack.com/p/these-are-the-carbs-men-should-be

Because metabolic health is far more important than being thin. Overweight people can be healthy and sometimes thin people can be sick. So being thin doesn't necessarily translate to healthy.

Expand full comment
Comment deleted
Expand full comment
author

I understand where you're coming from and recognize this as an entirely valid way to feel. Thanks for sharing it with me.

Expand full comment