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Elizabeth G's avatar

This article! Thank you for articulating so much of what has been on my mind lately. After gaining weight during pregnancy, a traumatic birth, breastfeeding, and trying to heal from all of that and the pandemic, I want to lose some if this extra weight, find my muscles, and enjoy the benefits of exercising that I love and miss. I have been reading a lot about diet culture and fatphobia recently and started feeling so confused and pangs of guilt for wanting to lose weight! You have helped me clarify that I am not alone, and it is my choice!

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Sara's avatar

This may be completely irrelevant and not helpful for you, but re: gaining weight on vacation. I’m small fat (size 16) and ever since I stopped dieting, I don’t gain weight on vacation anymore. In fact, I’ve noticed sometimes my clothes are looser by the end of a vacation from walking 8-12 miles per day. Back when I was dieting, I would always eat a ton and gain a significant amount of weight every time I went on vacation (like 10 pounds on a week long trip), but since completely letting go of dieting and practicing intuitive eating, that’s no longer the case. I agree that it’s not necessarily realistic to give up the subconscious desire to be thinner - if I could snap my fingers and just be thinner, I would. However, significant recovery is possible: I don’t weigh myself, dieting isn’t tempting to me anymore, I eat whatever I want and my weight stays the same, most of what I’m attracted to is nutrient dense food, but whenever I want a treat, I have the treat. I have never felt so physically and mentally healthy. There are days I look in the mirror and don’t feel positive about my body, but I generally feel neutral towards it and I have fully internalized that the way I look is not an indicator of my worth as a person (which 6 years ago I didn’t even have the language to describe that’s how I felt).

On the other hand, I 100% understand what you’re saying. For me, it’s my forehead wrinkles and wanting botox - I don’t like the muscles and wrinkles on my forehead, I get the urge to get Botox again, then feel guilty for wanting botox. Then go back and forth in my head about it - justifying it (I’ve given up most skincare and makeup, I deserve to keep some of my beauty routines) and then not wanting to go through with it and feed into our appearance obsessed culture. Like you said, you can know exactly why you’re doing something, exactly why it’s problematic and disempowering - that doesn’t undo years of societal conditioning and brainwashing!

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