I do three things, either alone or in combination, and they have a history of setting me free (until I'm envious again, of course):
1) I remind myself that I likely have very little information about the person whose body I'm envious of. It could be that this person is blessed with incredible genes (different than mine), that they are in a constant, secret struggle with their body (I do not wish for that existence), or maybe they are making huge sacrifices to have their body look that way (sacrifices I am not interested in making).
2) I remind myself that somewhere, someone is envious of my body, exactly as it is right now. That might sound petty, and maybe it is, but it helps me to remember that someone out there would be very grateful to have this body of mine.
3) I remember that envy is an arrow pointing me to my desires, and that I get to prioritize beauty, aesthetics, and ability in whatever way I choose. Am I envious of how that person's body looks? Then I desire to be beautiful like them, and maybe I will do something that day that honors my own beauty and helps me see it more clearly. Am I envious of how that person's body functions? Then I desire to be strong/flexible/etc. like them, and maybe I will do something to honor my own body's strength today.
In Korean culture, it is common to discuss our body types in group settings. As someone who has short legs and a long torso, I'm usually teased for not having the correct proportions.
There are days when I do want that ideal Korean body type--long legs, short torso, thin but somehow strong and not frail--but I find myself almost never envying the body type of others because I tend to only envy what I think is within my reach. Like I literally can't lengthen my legs (there is that really expensive surgery, but again, I'm poor LOL)
Also, it's not like I'm the only person in the world that has this body type, so I think i'm content enough with my body type because there are others like me, and that gives me some sense of emotional security.
The important point here is that if I could choose my body type, it probably wouldn't be the one I have now, but my discontent isn't self-destructive, so I am *simply* okay. I've accepted what I've been given LOL, and I'm doing the best I can with it!
Writing all of this is making me want to find positive reasons to love my proportions, actually....so thank you. <3
Thank you for sharing all of this, Hayoung, and I'm so glad it helped you! I learned so much about Korean culture & beauty standards from reading Elise Hu's book "Flawless," have you read it? penguinrandomhouse.com/books/667034/flawless-by-elise-hu/
Hi Hayoung! Another Korean with a long torso/short legs. So two things: I’m a personal stylist who sees undressed women everyday and a lot of the time I see similar proportions amongst certain groups. East Asians are almost always long torsoed! So so rare to see otherwise. Secondly, I’ve spent a lot of time in mokyuktangs which just reinforces this for me. I’m like you, once I realized this, I could dress appropriately for it and also not have this unrealistic expectation to look differently!
ahhh, 누나!!!!!! my fiance was literally telling me that koreans have longer torsos b/c we have a longer intestine (in general) because of the type of diet we have.
And yes!! mokyuktangs are beautiful spaces to see the human body in a non-sexualized way.
i am also in the longer torso // shorter legs gang! you are not alone! I definitely struggle with it sometimes but then I remind myself that i'm built like a gymnast and I kind of love that for me. I also love that high-waisted, bootcut/flared pants look great on me and help 'balance' me out because that silhouette is so cute and can be dressed up/down all around and never goes 'out of style.' hope this helps you on your proportion-loving journey <3
Also, it’s interesting that you say long leg/short torso is the ideal standard of beauty, when in my experience, this is SO rare. You’re setting up the entire population to fail bc it’s just not in our genes. OR maybe it’s funded by the plastic surgery industry - I learned last year that leg lengthening is now in their repertoire 😫.
As a reformer pilates devotee who does NOT have the traditional ballerina figure, I've developed a practice for when I'm in class and start envying the bodies of women around me. - I visualize younger me standing next to my reformer cheering me on. I picture the 10yo who was picked last for every PE activity, the 19yo whose boyfriend said "how pretty she COULD be if she worked out more," the 25yo who was criticized by choreographers throughout an acting career. I visualize them all dancing and cheering me on for taking such good care of my body and thanking me for it. Sometimes I catch myself beaming in the middle of class because I'm healing something in myself. It's SUCH a helpful pivot from thinking about anyone else.
Tarreyn, this is soooooooo sweet and inspiring. You've become someone who Younger You would think is really cool. Is there anything better in life!?!?!
1) I reorient myself towards gratitude. Whatever fairly trivial aesthetic differences there are between me and whomever I’m envying, my body is safe, well-nourished, healthy, fully functional, and fit—all things many people would kill for. So chill out babe
2) I reiterate my own values to myself. Do you value being strong and having a ton of energy and eating things that taste good? Yes. So let go of the desire for leanness or waifishness. It’s not very compatible with the things you value in life
3) I remind myself of what my body can do that I really like. It can squat 300lbs, have a dozen orgasms in one go, and has a super robust immune system and guts of steel. That’s super cool. What a terrific body!
4) I ask myself how my life would be different if I could snap my fingers and have this other woman’s body. The answer is pretty much always “not much.” Like even if I were to become Objectively Hotter, what would that get me? I already have a husband who adores me (and whom I adore). I have no doubt that if said husband, god forbid, stopped adoring me, I am attractive enough that I would be able to find other people who are interested in me. So would this increased hotness actually buy me that matters? Nothing, really.
Kind of on this topic, I consume so much content geared towards strong, muscular women that when I encounter e.g., advertisements that are for the general population, the women’s bodies are not enviable to me at all. At first I just sort of reflexively felt bad in comparison; that’s a well-worn groove in my millennial woman brain. But when I actually paused to think about it, I was like, “Actually, no, I genuinely do not want that body. Even if the body fairy could wave her magic wand and give me this body, even if I wouldn’t have to live the lifestyle this model is probably living to maintain her body, I still just don’t want it. This is not an aesthetic I aspire to at all.” That was wild! The combination of actively cultivating a different set of values and consuming different imagery really changed my aspirations.
I love "So chill out babe." I need to say that to myself about 276 times a day. You make very good points here. I especially connect to your final point about finding an entirely different type of body that felt like #goals to me at some point in my life. Once I started lifting, I started admiring/envying an obvious lifter body more than other kinds from my youth. In a way that's sort of better, I guess, but I've thought often of how that's still a preoccupation with the look of a certain type of body. It's kind of trading one appearance standard for another. I'm a human so this is gonna happen, but I'm just very aware of it.
Definitely cognizant of how you can just be trading one preoccupation for another. But it was striking to me to realize how non-objective my aspirational body aesthetic was, because it changed, and what once looked amazing to me now looks quite unappealing. Relatedly I’ve found a reduction in general body image noise by coming to understand myself as a very unreliable narrator. There have been times I was convinced I looked bad and I look back at photos and I’m like “???? You look great” and there have been times I felt like I looked great and I look back at photos and I’m like “???? You do not look great.” Realizing that my appraisal of my own body does not really appear to have any straightforward relationship to reality or the ability to hold up over time has been rather freeing. I am better able to disregard my internal body image chatter when I remind myself that these are the thoughts of someone who has a long track record of not knowing wtf she’s talking about.
I got chubby as a pre-teen, found out I had food intolerances, then lost 30 pounds. The transformation from stocky child to gamine teenager was jarring, but I LOVED my body for the first time.
Flash forward - after years of dealing with binge eating, depression, and undiagnosed ADHD I've weight cycled more often than not.
Right now, I'm 20 pounds overweight after injury sidelined me from training and I sought comfort in...well, comfort food.
I usually have a target for my envy that is centered around people I know. For example, I know an extremely online influencer who I've interviewed and know for certain is just as gorgeous, lean, and fashionable as she appears online. It's easier to dismiss the envy when you don't know the person and can see them just as beautiful illusions created for viewing, but much harder when you know that yes, this person actually exists and moves like this through the world.
As an athlete in an image-focused sport (figure skating) I've always had body dysmorphia and poor body image issues (oh, 15 year old me, if only I could shake you - you WERE skinny enough!). Now, as an adult athlete recovering from an injury, I notice it less because I am just so happy to be able to do my sport again.
That's not to say that I don't still feel bad about my body. My embarrassment over weight gain is not just vanity; it's also tough because it negatively impacts my athletic performance . Gaining 5 pounds is noticeable, never mind 20.
I use the following reframes to feel slightly better:
1) I've had to realize that some things are just my body and I will never look like anyone else. Even if I did everything they did, down to the exact macros, my body chemistry and genes are different. It's impossible to make yourself a copy of someone else (until cloning comes along). :)
2) I realize that as much as I like to idealize the past, I still had flaws then too, and I was still not entirely happy with my body. Pre-pandemic, I was training in two sports plus Crossfit, yet I was never as lean or beautiful as I wanted to be. I've always had 'soft arms' (as I was reminded by a friend the other day) and even when I went to Crossfit every day they were just slightly less soft. And my stomach, while flatter, always had a little pooch, no matter how many crunches I did.
3) I realize that two things can be true - I can want a better body and work towards getting leaner, fitter, etc while also appreciating it for what it is now and accepting where I'm at.
4) I unfollow the people online that make me feel envious. I don't need to know their life.
5) I focus on the steps I can take to get just a little bit better daily. Whether it's getting up more, eating less sugar, or exercising more than yesterday, I count it as a win.
6) I realize bodies are bodies, and they change. It also helps to realize that the people I look up to probably have body hangups of their own.
You're absolutely right. I haven't met a single person who doesn't have a hangup of some kind about their body (which is a big part of why I started this newsletter). Also wtf @ your friend who reminded you that you have soft arms??? I'm mad. But also, that's them and their own issues manifesting, so bye to that comment.
Point 1) is so true and it took me a long time to fully understand, and I think going through a big body change helped me get it -- even with huge swings in weight/fat/muscle, some things about my body are just NOT going to change. Once I really understood that I just kind of... didn't care anymore!
This is all a lot easier for me as a guy. I used to feel it a lot when I was younger and struggled with obesity — but the world is kind to a me now that I am an average sized man.
Thanks for acknowledging that. Unfortunately I've had the same experience of the world being kinder to me when I was smaller. It's incredibly jarring and pretty sad.
Yeah totally, and even worse is when it’s not just strangers doing it, but those who are supposed to love you.
What I was getting at with the “world is kind” comment was that since beauty standards are laxer for guys that I was able to get to a body shape that the world stopped judging me for, and then I was more able to not judge myself. I’m not sure the same is true for women, that they would ever feel like the world stopped judging their bodies.
I actually just wrote about this in a post recently. I was surprised at how irritating and triggering I would other women talking about their bodies so much at my work. It def reminded me that I need a mantra to combate those nasty thoughts that plague my mind. Thank you for the reflection.
I let go of 'looks' and focus on health. I get envious of people who are able to eat anything they want and stay slim. However, I am always reminding myself that the reason why I chose to eat healthy is not down to looks, it's down to health. It's about respecting my own body and giving it the love it deserves.
I resolve to kindness. I think: doesn’t my body deserve a celebration after all it has taken me through and allowed me to do? We’ve been through a lot, me and my body, and it absolutely deserves to be celebrated for sticking up with me and what life has thrown at us till this day.
Once I can access that gratitude, my envy quiets down, and for a (short) while I feel quite content.
Never have I wanted another body - and not envious of others bodies either. The exquisite differences of Ration, Proportion and Variation are what makes us individual!
Disheartening to see so many suffer with comparison - so needless.
Thank you for sharing this. I totally should have said this in my post, but you unlocked something that is SO true for me, too -- if you tell other people how nice they look, it turns down the envy! Envy can feel so nasty and private and icky, so just giving someone else a compliment really helps vanquish it
Envy is supposed to be our 'national' sin (I am a Spaniard). You are sooo right: make a public and heartfelt compliment to someone you envy a lot. It takes guts but It is the first step to conquer it. Very interesting thread.
My coworker hosts the occasional clothing swap and is so thoughtful about it. She invites a range of women, a range of sizes, but in her mind, she informally 'pairs' or groups people who have similar body types. That way there's at least a possibility that everyone can find something that works for them. I love the understated inclusivity of her approach.
I do three things, either alone or in combination, and they have a history of setting me free (until I'm envious again, of course):
1) I remind myself that I likely have very little information about the person whose body I'm envious of. It could be that this person is blessed with incredible genes (different than mine), that they are in a constant, secret struggle with their body (I do not wish for that existence), or maybe they are making huge sacrifices to have their body look that way (sacrifices I am not interested in making).
2) I remind myself that somewhere, someone is envious of my body, exactly as it is right now. That might sound petty, and maybe it is, but it helps me to remember that someone out there would be very grateful to have this body of mine.
3) I remember that envy is an arrow pointing me to my desires, and that I get to prioritize beauty, aesthetics, and ability in whatever way I choose. Am I envious of how that person's body looks? Then I desire to be beautiful like them, and maybe I will do something that day that honors my own beauty and helps me see it more clearly. Am I envious of how that person's body functions? Then I desire to be strong/flexible/etc. like them, and maybe I will do something to honor my own body's strength today.
"I remember that envy is an arrow pointing me to my desires"... HELLO??? Where has this statement been all my life
In Korean culture, it is common to discuss our body types in group settings. As someone who has short legs and a long torso, I'm usually teased for not having the correct proportions.
There are days when I do want that ideal Korean body type--long legs, short torso, thin but somehow strong and not frail--but I find myself almost never envying the body type of others because I tend to only envy what I think is within my reach. Like I literally can't lengthen my legs (there is that really expensive surgery, but again, I'm poor LOL)
Also, it's not like I'm the only person in the world that has this body type, so I think i'm content enough with my body type because there are others like me, and that gives me some sense of emotional security.
The important point here is that if I could choose my body type, it probably wouldn't be the one I have now, but my discontent isn't self-destructive, so I am *simply* okay. I've accepted what I've been given LOL, and I'm doing the best I can with it!
Writing all of this is making me want to find positive reasons to love my proportions, actually....so thank you. <3
Thank you for sharing all of this, Hayoung, and I'm so glad it helped you! I learned so much about Korean culture & beauty standards from reading Elise Hu's book "Flawless," have you read it? penguinrandomhouse.com/books/667034/flawless-by-elise-hu/
i have read so much ABOUT it, but i have not read it (yet). I'll read it at some point and let ya know my unsolicited thoughts hehe
Hi Hayoung! Another Korean with a long torso/short legs. So two things: I’m a personal stylist who sees undressed women everyday and a lot of the time I see similar proportions amongst certain groups. East Asians are almost always long torsoed! So so rare to see otherwise. Secondly, I’ve spent a lot of time in mokyuktangs which just reinforces this for me. I’m like you, once I realized this, I could dress appropriately for it and also not have this unrealistic expectation to look differently!
I'm so glad you're both here :)
ahhh, 누나!!!!!! my fiance was literally telling me that koreans have longer torsos b/c we have a longer intestine (in general) because of the type of diet we have.
And yes!! mokyuktangs are beautiful spaces to see the human body in a non-sexualized way.
i am also in the longer torso // shorter legs gang! you are not alone! I definitely struggle with it sometimes but then I remind myself that i'm built like a gymnast and I kind of love that for me. I also love that high-waisted, bootcut/flared pants look great on me and help 'balance' me out because that silhouette is so cute and can be dressed up/down all around and never goes 'out of style.' hope this helps you on your proportion-loving journey <3
yay! Let's go!!! It's also nice that high-waisted, wide pants are in style right now. I also look very good in them LOL.
The other thing that is somewhat nice is that when I'm sitting down, I look very tall and powerful
OMG that 15 year stretch of only low rise was an absolutely killer. So glad there are more options on the market now.
omg TRUE I forgot how tall and powerful I look when sat lolol
SO TRUE!
Also, it’s interesting that you say long leg/short torso is the ideal standard of beauty, when in my experience, this is SO rare. You’re setting up the entire population to fail bc it’s just not in our genes. OR maybe it’s funded by the plastic surgery industry - I learned last year that leg lengthening is now in their repertoire 😫.
As a reformer pilates devotee who does NOT have the traditional ballerina figure, I've developed a practice for when I'm in class and start envying the bodies of women around me. - I visualize younger me standing next to my reformer cheering me on. I picture the 10yo who was picked last for every PE activity, the 19yo whose boyfriend said "how pretty she COULD be if she worked out more," the 25yo who was criticized by choreographers throughout an acting career. I visualize them all dancing and cheering me on for taking such good care of my body and thanking me for it. Sometimes I catch myself beaming in the middle of class because I'm healing something in myself. It's SUCH a helpful pivot from thinking about anyone else.
Tarreyn, this is soooooooo sweet and inspiring. You've become someone who Younger You would think is really cool. Is there anything better in life!?!?!
Right!?! It's been SUCH a helpful practice for me in different areas of my life beyond exercise too! We need to take care of little us! 🫶
1) I reorient myself towards gratitude. Whatever fairly trivial aesthetic differences there are between me and whomever I’m envying, my body is safe, well-nourished, healthy, fully functional, and fit—all things many people would kill for. So chill out babe
2) I reiterate my own values to myself. Do you value being strong and having a ton of energy and eating things that taste good? Yes. So let go of the desire for leanness or waifishness. It’s not very compatible with the things you value in life
3) I remind myself of what my body can do that I really like. It can squat 300lbs, have a dozen orgasms in one go, and has a super robust immune system and guts of steel. That’s super cool. What a terrific body!
4) I ask myself how my life would be different if I could snap my fingers and have this other woman’s body. The answer is pretty much always “not much.” Like even if I were to become Objectively Hotter, what would that get me? I already have a husband who adores me (and whom I adore). I have no doubt that if said husband, god forbid, stopped adoring me, I am attractive enough that I would be able to find other people who are interested in me. So would this increased hotness actually buy me that matters? Nothing, really.
Kind of on this topic, I consume so much content geared towards strong, muscular women that when I encounter e.g., advertisements that are for the general population, the women’s bodies are not enviable to me at all. At first I just sort of reflexively felt bad in comparison; that’s a well-worn groove in my millennial woman brain. But when I actually paused to think about it, I was like, “Actually, no, I genuinely do not want that body. Even if the body fairy could wave her magic wand and give me this body, even if I wouldn’t have to live the lifestyle this model is probably living to maintain her body, I still just don’t want it. This is not an aesthetic I aspire to at all.” That was wild! The combination of actively cultivating a different set of values and consuming different imagery really changed my aspirations.
I love "So chill out babe." I need to say that to myself about 276 times a day. You make very good points here. I especially connect to your final point about finding an entirely different type of body that felt like #goals to me at some point in my life. Once I started lifting, I started admiring/envying an obvious lifter body more than other kinds from my youth. In a way that's sort of better, I guess, but I've thought often of how that's still a preoccupation with the look of a certain type of body. It's kind of trading one appearance standard for another. I'm a human so this is gonna happen, but I'm just very aware of it.
Definitely cognizant of how you can just be trading one preoccupation for another. But it was striking to me to realize how non-objective my aspirational body aesthetic was, because it changed, and what once looked amazing to me now looks quite unappealing. Relatedly I’ve found a reduction in general body image noise by coming to understand myself as a very unreliable narrator. There have been times I was convinced I looked bad and I look back at photos and I’m like “???? You look great” and there have been times I felt like I looked great and I look back at photos and I’m like “???? You do not look great.” Realizing that my appraisal of my own body does not really appear to have any straightforward relationship to reality or the ability to hold up over time has been rather freeing. I am better able to disregard my internal body image chatter when I remind myself that these are the thoughts of someone who has a long track record of not knowing wtf she’s talking about.
I love that you're holding space for this. It's such a prevalent feeling and we do not know what to do with it!
Thanks Leanne :)
I've struggled with body envy my whole life.
I got chubby as a pre-teen, found out I had food intolerances, then lost 30 pounds. The transformation from stocky child to gamine teenager was jarring, but I LOVED my body for the first time.
Flash forward - after years of dealing with binge eating, depression, and undiagnosed ADHD I've weight cycled more often than not.
Right now, I'm 20 pounds overweight after injury sidelined me from training and I sought comfort in...well, comfort food.
I usually have a target for my envy that is centered around people I know. For example, I know an extremely online influencer who I've interviewed and know for certain is just as gorgeous, lean, and fashionable as she appears online. It's easier to dismiss the envy when you don't know the person and can see them just as beautiful illusions created for viewing, but much harder when you know that yes, this person actually exists and moves like this through the world.
As an athlete in an image-focused sport (figure skating) I've always had body dysmorphia and poor body image issues (oh, 15 year old me, if only I could shake you - you WERE skinny enough!). Now, as an adult athlete recovering from an injury, I notice it less because I am just so happy to be able to do my sport again.
That's not to say that I don't still feel bad about my body. My embarrassment over weight gain is not just vanity; it's also tough because it negatively impacts my athletic performance . Gaining 5 pounds is noticeable, never mind 20.
I use the following reframes to feel slightly better:
1) I've had to realize that some things are just my body and I will never look like anyone else. Even if I did everything they did, down to the exact macros, my body chemistry and genes are different. It's impossible to make yourself a copy of someone else (until cloning comes along). :)
2) I realize that as much as I like to idealize the past, I still had flaws then too, and I was still not entirely happy with my body. Pre-pandemic, I was training in two sports plus Crossfit, yet I was never as lean or beautiful as I wanted to be. I've always had 'soft arms' (as I was reminded by a friend the other day) and even when I went to Crossfit every day they were just slightly less soft. And my stomach, while flatter, always had a little pooch, no matter how many crunches I did.
3) I realize that two things can be true - I can want a better body and work towards getting leaner, fitter, etc while also appreciating it for what it is now and accepting where I'm at.
4) I unfollow the people online that make me feel envious. I don't need to know their life.
5) I focus on the steps I can take to get just a little bit better daily. Whether it's getting up more, eating less sugar, or exercising more than yesterday, I count it as a win.
6) I realize bodies are bodies, and they change. It also helps to realize that the people I look up to probably have body hangups of their own.
You're absolutely right. I haven't met a single person who doesn't have a hangup of some kind about their body (which is a big part of why I started this newsletter). Also wtf @ your friend who reminded you that you have soft arms??? I'm mad. But also, that's them and their own issues manifesting, so bye to that comment.
Point 1) is so true and it took me a long time to fully understand, and I think going through a big body change helped me get it -- even with huge swings in weight/fat/muscle, some things about my body are just NOT going to change. Once I really understood that I just kind of... didn't care anymore!
Do not want that which you cannot have. Such wanting is the basis for all suffering. - Some random Buddhist philosopher
lol. I'm trying not to want! Seems impossible!
I love the mantra you end this piece with. Will make it my own whenever I am in that situation.
I'm so glad <3
This is all a lot easier for me as a guy. I used to feel it a lot when I was younger and struggled with obesity — but the world is kind to a me now that I am an average sized man.
Thanks for acknowledging that. Unfortunately I've had the same experience of the world being kinder to me when I was smaller. It's incredibly jarring and pretty sad.
Yeah totally, and even worse is when it’s not just strangers doing it, but those who are supposed to love you.
What I was getting at with the “world is kind” comment was that since beauty standards are laxer for guys that I was able to get to a body shape that the world stopped judging me for, and then I was more able to not judge myself. I’m not sure the same is true for women, that they would ever feel like the world stopped judging their bodies.
I actually just wrote about this in a post recently. I was surprised at how irritating and triggering I would other women talking about their bodies so much at my work. It def reminded me that I need a mantra to combate those nasty thoughts that plague my mind. Thank you for the reflection.
I let go of 'looks' and focus on health. I get envious of people who are able to eat anything they want and stay slim. However, I am always reminding myself that the reason why I chose to eat healthy is not down to looks, it's down to health. It's about respecting my own body and giving it the love it deserves.
I love this mantra.
I resolve to kindness. I think: doesn’t my body deserve a celebration after all it has taken me through and allowed me to do? We’ve been through a lot, me and my body, and it absolutely deserves to be celebrated for sticking up with me and what life has thrown at us till this day.
Once I can access that gratitude, my envy quiets down, and for a (short) while I feel quite content.
Never have I wanted another body - and not envious of others bodies either. The exquisite differences of Ration, Proportion and Variation are what makes us individual!
Disheartening to see so many suffer with comparison - so needless.
it's needless but very hard to escape doing :(
When you realize your strength - no one will control you!
lol not helpful to discussion here thank you next
Thank you for sharing this. I totally should have said this in my post, but you unlocked something that is SO true for me, too -- if you tell other people how nice they look, it turns down the envy! Envy can feel so nasty and private and icky, so just giving someone else a compliment really helps vanquish it
Envy is supposed to be our 'national' sin (I am a Spaniard). You are sooo right: make a public and heartfelt compliment to someone you envy a lot. It takes guts but It is the first step to conquer it. Very interesting thread.
My coworker hosts the occasional clothing swap and is so thoughtful about it. She invites a range of women, a range of sizes, but in her mind, she informally 'pairs' or groups people who have similar body types. That way there's at least a possibility that everyone can find something that works for them. I love the understated inclusivity of her approach.
That's such an incredible and thoughtful way to go about it