💬Weekly Discussion: How do you deal with bodily envy?
You want the bod they have. Now what?
Welcome to a new week, Body Typers. Time for another discussion post. Here’s the last one. And ICYMI, my most recent full post is below. I’d love you to leave your thoughts there, too, if you’re so inclined (and there’s a chance to get a comped paid subscription in there).
As a reminder, these discussion posts are a place for you to talk to each other — and me, I’ll respond to everything — about topics better suited to chit-chat than a full essay post.
This week’s discussion:
How do you deal with it when you feel envious of another person’s body or bodily habits?
Do you go a little green-eyed monster when your coworker talks about her without-fail 5 a.m. running + green juice routine? Do you get a bit Evil Queen in Snow White about how a friend looks in clothes? Are you flooded with yearning when you see pics of That One Celebrity? It’s OK. Let’s talk about it.
I ask because I think many of us feel envy more often than we’d like to admit, but I don’t think we have to be ashamed about it — we should probably work on lessening it, sure, but it seems pretty natural that we’d compare ourselves to other people’s bodies (and wish we looked like them) in a culture like ours. Women especially are pitted against each other in every conceivable way, and bodies that fit a certain standard are afforded all sorts of quiet and loud advantages. I think a lot of the rage and criticism directed at influencers and celebrities, like I wrote about here …
… is also tied up with envy. Same goes for my view on “Pilates bodies,” like I wrote about here:
As I wrote this, I wondered: Do I have beef with Pilates in part because I feel … left out, or something? As a woman whose genetically predetermined physique is more akin to a construction barrel than a ballerina, am I envious of the Pilates girlies’ bodies? Why, abso-fuckin-lutely, sometimes, thanks in large part to the millennial body image curse!
Of course we might feel envious of the people with the “hottest” bodies — we live in a society where the people with the hottest bodies seem to have the most charmed lives! Even if that’s not true and shouldn’t be anyway, the feeling is real. It’s a long path to pave to get to a culture that’s more accepting of all body types and less image-obsessed, so we’re likely to feel some envy along the way. The issue as I see it is not having that feeling, it’s what we do with it and where we direct its energy.
So that’s what I ask you to consider today. What do you do with envy? Do you just observe it and let it pass? Do you write about it? Talk to someone about it? Think of your own great qualities to hype yourself up instead? Maybe we can give each other some tips.
What I try to do: Constantly consider my own values as a means of building resilience. Basically, the more I think about what matters to me, what I want, what I’m willing to do/sacrifice/ignore/prioritize, the less other people’s bodies and habits bother me or affect me at all. It’s become easier to look at other people’s bodies and habits around them and just think something like, “Good for her. Not for me.”
Last year I wrote about a little mantra that helps me deal with my bodily “flaws”:
I think the same could be applied here. “I don’t like it [‘it’ being that someone else looks ‘better’ than I do] but there it is. Good for them. Now let me focus on me.” Acknowledge it and let it go.
So, let’s hear it — in a world that makes it easy to compare yourself to others, what do you do when you envy other people’s bodies?
I do three things, either alone or in combination, and they have a history of setting me free (until I'm envious again, of course):
1) I remind myself that I likely have very little information about the person whose body I'm envious of. It could be that this person is blessed with incredible genes (different than mine), that they are in a constant, secret struggle with their body (I do not wish for that existence), or maybe they are making huge sacrifices to have their body look that way (sacrifices I am not interested in making).
2) I remind myself that somewhere, someone is envious of my body, exactly as it is right now. That might sound petty, and maybe it is, but it helps me to remember that someone out there would be very grateful to have this body of mine.
3) I remember that envy is an arrow pointing me to my desires, and that I get to prioritize beauty, aesthetics, and ability in whatever way I choose. Am I envious of how that person's body looks? Then I desire to be beautiful like them, and maybe I will do something that day that honors my own beauty and helps me see it more clearly. Am I envious of how that person's body functions? Then I desire to be strong/flexible/etc. like them, and maybe I will do something to honor my own body's strength today.
In Korean culture, it is common to discuss our body types in group settings. As someone who has short legs and a long torso, I'm usually teased for not having the correct proportions.
There are days when I do want that ideal Korean body type--long legs, short torso, thin but somehow strong and not frail--but I find myself almost never envying the body type of others because I tend to only envy what I think is within my reach. Like I literally can't lengthen my legs (there is that really expensive surgery, but again, I'm poor LOL)
Also, it's not like I'm the only person in the world that has this body type, so I think i'm content enough with my body type because there are others like me, and that gives me some sense of emotional security.
The important point here is that if I could choose my body type, it probably wouldn't be the one I have now, but my discontent isn't self-destructive, so I am *simply* okay. I've accepted what I've been given LOL, and I'm doing the best I can with it!
Writing all of this is making me want to find positive reasons to love my proportions, actually....so thank you. <3