Beloved Body Typers: I’ll be sending a weekly post asking a simple question to get us chatting with each other in the comments. For now these are open to all; eventually I will paywall some of them if the discussions take off and I feel the comments should be a more closed space. I’ll reply to all the comments, so please jump right in.
Here’s what I want to chat about: Like everyone else I listened to Charli XCX’s “Brat” album quite a bit this summer. On the track “Rewind,” she sings: “Nowadays I only eat at the good restaurants // but honestly I’m always thinking ‘bout my weight.” I’ve written about this a lot — how many millennial women are cursed because we have been taught to want to be thin but now feel bad about wanting that; how the work of thinking about our bodies never feels done; how we’ve all been so fucked up by body culture at every turn. I aim to do what I can to create a better body culture but I’m still dealing with the 30+ years of indoctrination re: thinness, weight, dieting, etc. Like Charli, I really do think about my weight a lot.
So I’ve been thinking: When am I not thinking about it? This past weekend I went on a little solo hiking trip and realized that for the most part, I wasn’t thinking about the weight or size or appearance of my body at all during my hikes. Movement always helps me get into a headspace where I feel good about my body, but even at the gym or the yoga studio it’s different — there are mirrors there, so I can always see myself and sometimes I get hung up on body size/weight intrusive thoughts. On the hiking trail, there were none. It was just me, the trail, my breath, and a mostly empty head. Bliss.
When does this happen for you? When are you completely (or almost completely) free of any thoughts about your weight, shape, or size?
For me, it's basically during activities that I can get engrossed in--hiking for sure, yoga (no mirrors where I practice), hanging out with friends, a really good TV show/movie, travel...I find that the more present I am, the more I inhabit my body--rather than feeling like I am floating above my body as a third-person observer. I think of it as something I practice rather than as work that has a set end point. I don't think I'll ever be done, and I don't think ANYONE can ever really be "done." It's like swimming against the current (the current being beauty standards and toxic body culture). If you ever stop swimming, you start to drift backwards.
That's such a compelling statement, that you're inhabiting your body rather than floating above it. I know about myself that I'm not great at being present, so I'm sure having more mindfulness would make this easier, too.
I agree with you that I don't think anyone can ever really be "done" ... a belief that's in fact related to the working title of my book ;)
I think being around animals is really helpful, for me! I don't have any pets, but I feed crows on my balcony, and I notice myself completely losing track of my sense of body (in a positive way) when I'm with them -- and similarly, when I play with friend's cats/dogs/etc. I think it's twofold, on one hand - interacting with animals is an emotional flow state of sorts. Recognizing the beauty in the strangeness and differences of animals helps me zoom out from the petty grievances the beauty industry tries to feed me around my own body.
This makes me feel teary because I just thought of how nice I feel when I'm snuggling and playing with my cat, and you're right, it's a kind of flow! I'm too busy being obsessed with her fluffy coat and her toe beans to think about myself
When I swim in the ocean or do a cold plunge. Which is ironic because I’m in a bikini which is still hard. But when I’m in the water I forget about all of that.
God, I love this question! I read it and took a long walk, during which I was...thinking about my size/shape. Goddammit. I really thought that would be a time, but it wasn't.
Working out with no mirrors is a huge one for me. I joined a weightlifting gym last summer that i love, and it took me weeks to realize why (besides being hella strong in class and lifting things up!) it felt so good there: no f***ing mirrors!
Wearing clothes that fit and feel good makes me forget my body! This was a huge revelation in the past year, and it's allowed me to give myself permission to store or get rid of clothes that no longer fit me - both literally and figuratively. And permission to buy new (or new-to-me usually - love to thrift!) clothes.
The mirror thing is huge. One of the gyms I drop into sometimes has no mirrors and it really does help. I'm of two minds on it, because there are some situations in which having mirrors is a huge benefit; when I'm doing balance poses in the yoga studio, staring at whatever body part I'm trying to balance in the mirror really helps me. Same goes for looking at my form in the gym. But sometimes I realize I'm fine without it and wish it wasn't there!
When I'm on a non-family vacation (god bless, family does like to say things about your appearance), don't have access to a scale, and the trip involves a lot of walking/sightseeing. Being in a different environment also helps, I'm just not focused on the same ol' shit. You walk around and look at new stuff until you get hungry, and then you stop to eat. Would that I could do it more often!
This is true to my experience for the most part, but you got me thinking about how when I did a trip to Portugal earlier this year (where in Lisbon especially all I did was walk, and that city is nothing but practically vertical hills lol), there came a time when I became aware that my pants were legit looser from walking for hours and hours every day. Even just that bit of awareness of my body ("Oh, I'm losing weight on vacation") put me in a space to be thinking of my body in some way or another. In that sense it felt sort of inescapable!
Among other things, I don't think about my bod a lot when I'm in a good groove with my healthy eating and exercise routines. And for me, when I say bod, I mean body composition; weight isn't my issue. But when I'm out of that groove, as I am now and have been for a while, I think about it A LOT. Ugh.
God I think about this all the time. I still think about my bod when I'm in a good groove wrt eating/exercise (in the past, that's actually been when I'm MORE obsessive, ugh), but yes I do think I think about it less when I'm in the groove. Or maybe I'm just less...bothered? So even if I'm thinking about it, it's not as irritating?
Others have already said this, but being in movement helps. Spin class especially since it's dark, no mirrors. Also when laughing/wrapped in conversation with really good, close friends.
Also, and this is probably its whole own essay -- on psychedelics? With every psychedelic trip I've had (probably around a dozen?), at least part of the takeaway has been "your body doesn't matter that much, silly." I've been lucky to be able to integrate that realization into other parts of my life, too -- not perfectly/all the time, but still very helpful.
OK I was *just* reading some stuff about psychedelics the other day (I have not done bc I am scared wittle baby) and now I want to hear more. You should write an essay on it and I'll share it :)
I would love to read more about this as well, other's experiences, how it's helped, etc. I've tried it (mushrooms) twice, the first time positive, the second negative. I can, however, without hesitation, speak highly of ketamine (which was administered by an MD, not recreational, just for the record).
Oh you are *so* on. (Also I was v scared for a v long time too and taking the leap truly changed my life -- down to talk through stuff sometime if you're curious!)
When I’m in movement like running, and can be in my body and feel what it can do rather than observing it. Otherwise, almost always thinking bout weight 🙃
Love this question! I think about my weight/body a TON. And I feel guilty about it, I wish I could just turn it off. Most times when I'm not thinking about it is when I'm super comfy/cozy in my sweats or under a blanket reading, watching, or gaming... When I'm asleep (lol). Sometimes when I'm getting intimate with my partner, although sometimes that brings out the worst thoughts about myself so that time can really be a double-edged sword.
I think the cozy thing is a big one... someone else commented about feeling good/comfortable in clothes and I think that's big. If my clothes are constricting in any way (even by design, like a bodycon dress, even if it fits as it's meant to) it's so much easier to be aware of every little body thing. And I get you on the intimacy thing, sheesh. I need to write a whole thing about that...
You shouulldddd oh my gosh I would read it so fast. I'm still trying to unravel the tangled threads of purity culture, infidelity, my own shameful narratives and stuff around infidelity, and how it relates to my body image and self worth. Eek. It's all so interconnected!
This is something I've been thinking about the last couple of days since I've been engaging in lots of body checking and it hasn't been great for my mental health. I really appreciate this post today because it's easy for me to think of things "I shouldn't" be doing, rather than things I want to do more of! To answer the question, the times I haven't thought about my weight and what I look like lately are when I'm painting, dancing, playing pickleball, walking and listening to audiobook, playing with my cats, cuddling, and hanging out with -some- friends. I definitely want to work on thinking about what I look like less and celebrating my abilities more when I'm working out at the gym!
hiii! I'm so glad you commented. Walking and listening to a book is one for me, too, so you just made me think of that :) And I think most people fall into modes where they're body checking more, I know I do. I try to just accept it and know it's temporary and that it comes in cycles. It's like I've been encouraged to do it for my entire life, it's really hard not to!
Yay, glad to be here! I'm listening to come as you are by Emily Nagoski right now and enjoying it. This is true, thank you for normalizing it. The cool thing about living in a place with seasons is that having several layers of clothes on prevents me from body checking, so (don't tell anyone) but this Floridian is happy Fall is in the air :)
When I’m sitting on my deck, reading a book or just daydreaming with a glass of wine. I’m so at peace then & there are no thoughts of my body or weight.
When i surf or do something physically demanding - then i realise how much my body does for me and what its capable of. Especially if it involves being in nature like hiking, climbing etc. It really helps to get out of my head of what it looks like and focus more on how it feels. Same with being creative - doing something crafty and being in the flow state where i am truly present.
Crafting is such a good one… I have been very negligent of the little crafts I used to do and this makes me want to get back to it. In early COVID I made a new collage every single day for like 2 months! I’m sure I wasn’t thinking about my body while doing that.
When I’m at the pottery wheel! I’m so focused on what my hands are doing that there’s no brain space left for what my silly, usually hunched over, body looks like. I love it.
I have been dying to try a pottery class but it’s so popular at my local learning center place that there is always a waitlist! It sounds so therapeutic
For me, it's mostly when I am working. My career is a big part of my life and it's very cerebral and demanding and I literally never think about my weight when I am working or in the workplace, I guess because the way I see my worth shifts to my mind more than my body. I can see it's a common experience to not think about weight when moving/exercising which is amazing. I think my learned attitudes to exercise and it's relationship to my weight need working on as they are not so positive but I definitely aim to reach this stage of my life! Super interesting question to reflect on, thanks for posing it.
Thanks for answering, Kate! It sounds like what you’re talking about is a kind of flow state? Like you are so engrossed in your work that it’s a pleasant focus. I love that for you. I hope you find some more positive attitudes re: exercise; like you I used to have VERY negative ones. Maybe some of what I write here will help :)
When I am engrossed in an activity I love, I can finally forget to think about how I might look to other people, and so I forget about my weight, my sagging jawline, my aging body, etc. But the awareness of my body and appearance issues is like a constant never-ending thrum underneath my daily life. It’s particularly bad when I’m in a situation where photos will be taken. The extra 15 lbs just feel like a judgment.
I'm a Gen X who can't remember a time my mother wasn't on a diet: the original Atkins, the Scarsdale diet, the Beverly Hills diet, food combining, some medical diet with pills and a liquid supplement, Weight Watchers.
I remember a discussion with my female cousins around our moms and their ideas around weight and how we were going to be different towards our daughters. One cousin, whose daughter was a gymnast, told about her daughter coming home from school and saying "I only ate half my sandwich, wasn't that good?" Where did she learn that? School? Gymnastics? My cousin corrected her, saying she needed to eat to have energy for the day and her activities, but it goes to show you never know where the food issues will crop up.
I'm unfortunately uncomfortable in my body right now, so I have to say I'm not free about thoughts about my weight.
When I’m simply away from a mirror! I’ve always had a fair amount of body confidence. Then I got pregnant and my entire reflection changed after I gained 80 pounds (the “normal” weight gain is 20-30 and idk how that’s even possible). I’m almost four months postpartum now and suddenly I’m caring less about my body itself and more about what I put into it 🩵
I think it’s often when I’m really engrossed in something, like reading a good book or having a deep conversation.
The first time I remember being aware of feeling safe in my body and actually inhabiting it was during breathwork. That’s what I developed a practice and became a facilitator. I wasn’t thinking about my body, I just was.
Woah this question has made me realise that I think about my weight a lot! I think one of the few times I'm not thinking about it is at work. I work as a market gardener so there is heaps of movement and being in my body, which helps me get out of my head. If I do think about my body at work, it is usually with pride, as farming reminds me how strong I am.
For me, it's basically during activities that I can get engrossed in--hiking for sure, yoga (no mirrors where I practice), hanging out with friends, a really good TV show/movie, travel...I find that the more present I am, the more I inhabit my body--rather than feeling like I am floating above my body as a third-person observer. I think of it as something I practice rather than as work that has a set end point. I don't think I'll ever be done, and I don't think ANYONE can ever really be "done." It's like swimming against the current (the current being beauty standards and toxic body culture). If you ever stop swimming, you start to drift backwards.
That's such a compelling statement, that you're inhabiting your body rather than floating above it. I know about myself that I'm not great at being present, so I'm sure having more mindfulness would make this easier, too.
I agree with you that I don't think anyone can ever really be "done" ... a belief that's in fact related to the working title of my book ;)
I think being around animals is really helpful, for me! I don't have any pets, but I feed crows on my balcony, and I notice myself completely losing track of my sense of body (in a positive way) when I'm with them -- and similarly, when I play with friend's cats/dogs/etc. I think it's twofold, on one hand - interacting with animals is an emotional flow state of sorts. Recognizing the beauty in the strangeness and differences of animals helps me zoom out from the petty grievances the beauty industry tries to feed me around my own body.
This makes me feel teary because I just thought of how nice I feel when I'm snuggling and playing with my cat, and you're right, it's a kind of flow! I'm too busy being obsessed with her fluffy coat and her toe beans to think about myself
There is nothing quite like the bliss of a cat's fluffy coat and toe beans!
Literally just wrote the same thing!
I love that!!! Something healing in that animal-human connection.
When I swim in the ocean or do a cold plunge. Which is ironic because I’m in a bikini which is still hard. But when I’m in the water I forget about all of that.
oh man cold plunges are sooooo good. I wrote about doing them in my "in praise of the naked spa" piece :)
God, I love this question! I read it and took a long walk, during which I was...thinking about my size/shape. Goddammit. I really thought that would be a time, but it wasn't.
Working out with no mirrors is a huge one for me. I joined a weightlifting gym last summer that i love, and it took me weeks to realize why (besides being hella strong in class and lifting things up!) it felt so good there: no f***ing mirrors!
Wearing clothes that fit and feel good makes me forget my body! This was a huge revelation in the past year, and it's allowed me to give myself permission to store or get rid of clothes that no longer fit me - both literally and figuratively. And permission to buy new (or new-to-me usually - love to thrift!) clothes.
The mirror thing is huge. One of the gyms I drop into sometimes has no mirrors and it really does help. I'm of two minds on it, because there are some situations in which having mirrors is a huge benefit; when I'm doing balance poses in the yoga studio, staring at whatever body part I'm trying to balance in the mirror really helps me. Same goes for looking at my form in the gym. But sometimes I realize I'm fine without it and wish it wasn't there!
When I'm on a non-family vacation (god bless, family does like to say things about your appearance), don't have access to a scale, and the trip involves a lot of walking/sightseeing. Being in a different environment also helps, I'm just not focused on the same ol' shit. You walk around and look at new stuff until you get hungry, and then you stop to eat. Would that I could do it more often!
This is true to my experience for the most part, but you got me thinking about how when I did a trip to Portugal earlier this year (where in Lisbon especially all I did was walk, and that city is nothing but practically vertical hills lol), there came a time when I became aware that my pants were legit looser from walking for hours and hours every day. Even just that bit of awareness of my body ("Oh, I'm losing weight on vacation") put me in a space to be thinking of my body in some way or another. In that sense it felt sort of inescapable!
I’d say being around animals does this for me! No comparisons can happen and dogs and horses give zero shits how you or they look :)
Among other things, I don't think about my bod a lot when I'm in a good groove with my healthy eating and exercise routines. And for me, when I say bod, I mean body composition; weight isn't my issue. But when I'm out of that groove, as I am now and have been for a while, I think about it A LOT. Ugh.
God I think about this all the time. I still think about my bod when I'm in a good groove wrt eating/exercise (in the past, that's actually been when I'm MORE obsessive, ugh), but yes I do think I think about it less when I'm in the groove. Or maybe I'm just less...bothered? So even if I'm thinking about it, it's not as irritating?
Others have already said this, but being in movement helps. Spin class especially since it's dark, no mirrors. Also when laughing/wrapped in conversation with really good, close friends.
Also, and this is probably its whole own essay -- on psychedelics? With every psychedelic trip I've had (probably around a dozen?), at least part of the takeaway has been "your body doesn't matter that much, silly." I've been lucky to be able to integrate that realization into other parts of my life, too -- not perfectly/all the time, but still very helpful.
OK I was *just* reading some stuff about psychedelics the other day (I have not done bc I am scared wittle baby) and now I want to hear more. You should write an essay on it and I'll share it :)
I would love to read more about this as well, other's experiences, how it's helped, etc. I've tried it (mushrooms) twice, the first time positive, the second negative. I can, however, without hesitation, speak highly of ketamine (which was administered by an MD, not recreational, just for the record).
Oh you are *so* on. (Also I was v scared for a v long time too and taking the leap truly changed my life -- down to talk through stuff sometime if you're curious!)
i'm a scared wittle baby too but have tried microdoses and had good experiences!
Psst - https://changeofheart.substack.com/p/psychedelics-didnt-fix-my-broken :)
When I’m in movement like running, and can be in my body and feel what it can do rather than observing it. Otherwise, almost always thinking bout weight 🙃
I feel you!
Love this question! I think about my weight/body a TON. And I feel guilty about it, I wish I could just turn it off. Most times when I'm not thinking about it is when I'm super comfy/cozy in my sweats or under a blanket reading, watching, or gaming... When I'm asleep (lol). Sometimes when I'm getting intimate with my partner, although sometimes that brings out the worst thoughts about myself so that time can really be a double-edged sword.
I think the cozy thing is a big one... someone else commented about feeling good/comfortable in clothes and I think that's big. If my clothes are constricting in any way (even by design, like a bodycon dress, even if it fits as it's meant to) it's so much easier to be aware of every little body thing. And I get you on the intimacy thing, sheesh. I need to write a whole thing about that...
You shouulldddd oh my gosh I would read it so fast. I'm still trying to unravel the tangled threads of purity culture, infidelity, my own shameful narratives and stuff around infidelity, and how it relates to my body image and self worth. Eek. It's all so interconnected!
I meant to say "stuff around intimacy" not "stuff around infidelity" but Substack won't let me edit 🤷🏼♀️
This is something I've been thinking about the last couple of days since I've been engaging in lots of body checking and it hasn't been great for my mental health. I really appreciate this post today because it's easy for me to think of things "I shouldn't" be doing, rather than things I want to do more of! To answer the question, the times I haven't thought about my weight and what I look like lately are when I'm painting, dancing, playing pickleball, walking and listening to audiobook, playing with my cats, cuddling, and hanging out with -some- friends. I definitely want to work on thinking about what I look like less and celebrating my abilities more when I'm working out at the gym!
hiii! I'm so glad you commented. Walking and listening to a book is one for me, too, so you just made me think of that :) And I think most people fall into modes where they're body checking more, I know I do. I try to just accept it and know it's temporary and that it comes in cycles. It's like I've been encouraged to do it for my entire life, it's really hard not to!
Yay, glad to be here! I'm listening to come as you are by Emily Nagoski right now and enjoying it. This is true, thank you for normalizing it. The cool thing about living in a place with seasons is that having several layers of clothes on prevents me from body checking, so (don't tell anyone) but this Floridian is happy Fall is in the air :)
When I’m sitting on my deck, reading a book or just daydreaming with a glass of wine. I’m so at peace then & there are no thoughts of my body or weight.
I love that :)
When i surf or do something physically demanding - then i realise how much my body does for me and what its capable of. Especially if it involves being in nature like hiking, climbing etc. It really helps to get out of my head of what it looks like and focus more on how it feels. Same with being creative - doing something crafty and being in the flow state where i am truly present.
Crafting is such a good one… I have been very negligent of the little crafts I used to do and this makes me want to get back to it. In early COVID I made a new collage every single day for like 2 months! I’m sure I wasn’t thinking about my body while doing that.
When I’m at the pottery wheel! I’m so focused on what my hands are doing that there’s no brain space left for what my silly, usually hunched over, body looks like. I love it.
I have been dying to try a pottery class but it’s so popular at my local learning center place that there is always a waitlist! It sounds so therapeutic
It really is! Making useful things with your hands out of raw materials is something kind of magical, I think.
For me, it's mostly when I am working. My career is a big part of my life and it's very cerebral and demanding and I literally never think about my weight when I am working or in the workplace, I guess because the way I see my worth shifts to my mind more than my body. I can see it's a common experience to not think about weight when moving/exercising which is amazing. I think my learned attitudes to exercise and it's relationship to my weight need working on as they are not so positive but I definitely aim to reach this stage of my life! Super interesting question to reflect on, thanks for posing it.
Thanks for answering, Kate! It sounds like what you’re talking about is a kind of flow state? Like you are so engrossed in your work that it’s a pleasant focus. I love that for you. I hope you find some more positive attitudes re: exercise; like you I used to have VERY negative ones. Maybe some of what I write here will help :)
Yes, I loved what you wrote about resistance training being an act of resistance!
When I am engrossed in an activity I love, I can finally forget to think about how I might look to other people, and so I forget about my weight, my sagging jawline, my aging body, etc. But the awareness of my body and appearance issues is like a constant never-ending thrum underneath my daily life. It’s particularly bad when I’m in a situation where photos will be taken. The extra 15 lbs just feel like a judgment.
I totally understand <3
I'm a Gen X who can't remember a time my mother wasn't on a diet: the original Atkins, the Scarsdale diet, the Beverly Hills diet, food combining, some medical diet with pills and a liquid supplement, Weight Watchers.
I remember a discussion with my female cousins around our moms and their ideas around weight and how we were going to be different towards our daughters. One cousin, whose daughter was a gymnast, told about her daughter coming home from school and saying "I only ate half my sandwich, wasn't that good?" Where did she learn that? School? Gymnastics? My cousin corrected her, saying she needed to eat to have energy for the day and her activities, but it goes to show you never know where the food issues will crop up.
I'm unfortunately uncomfortable in my body right now, so I have to say I'm not free about thoughts about my weight.
When I’m simply away from a mirror! I’ve always had a fair amount of body confidence. Then I got pregnant and my entire reflection changed after I gained 80 pounds (the “normal” weight gain is 20-30 and idk how that’s even possible). I’m almost four months postpartum now and suddenly I’m caring less about my body itself and more about what I put into it 🩵
I think it’s often when I’m really engrossed in something, like reading a good book or having a deep conversation.
The first time I remember being aware of feeling safe in my body and actually inhabiting it was during breathwork. That’s what I developed a practice and became a facilitator. I wasn’t thinking about my body, I just was.
Woah this question has made me realise that I think about my weight a lot! I think one of the few times I'm not thinking about it is at work. I work as a market gardener so there is heaps of movement and being in my body, which helps me get out of my head. If I do think about my body at work, it is usually with pride, as farming reminds me how strong I am.