America's small dick joke problem

Body- and sex-positive people need to grapple with the kind of shaming they'll tolerate.

Dec 05, 2023

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In the trailer for the upcoming movie “Anyone But You,” about two people who hate each other but have to have sex at a wedding to trick their parents or something, Sydney Sweeney1 says to costar Glen Powell2 when he sarcastically asks if he can retrieve anything for her during a flight: “I’m all good on creatine3 and small dick insecurity.”4

And in an August episode of the popular podcast “I’ve Had It,” co-hosts Jennifer and Angie said the following:

Jennifer, on the body size of celebrity men: “Sometimes you see a celebrity and they’re teeny-tiny and it’s really disappointing. It’s like crawling into bed with a big man with a small dick.”
Angie, later, in reference to Ben Shapiro’s fury about the “Barbie” movie: “Nobody who devotes all that time to ‘Barbie’ is anything but little dick energy. And he’s Exhibit A.”

Jennifer and Angie, two white women who live in Oklahoma and boast the associated drawls, have said that some of their listeners assume they’re Bible-thumping conservatives and are either relieved or incensed to learn they’re progressives. But I have to call their progressive bona fides into question — as I do for anyone who is completely uncritical of the “Anyone But You” line — because jokes and jabs about small dicks and/or “small dick energy” represent two things progressive people are ostensibly quick to decry: sex shaming and body shaming.

So why are small dick jokes still fair game in the mainstream, and what does that say about our body culture at this point?

I have a theory.

As much as “big dick energy” suggests an unassailable confidence sans arrogance coupled with a generally magnetic personality, “little dick energy” is a catchall insult for men who are being pompous shitheads or fuckboys. That’s why Angie slung it at Ben Shapiro and his witless rage about “Barbie.” But we all know that Ben Shapiro is not a bad man because of whatever’s going on with his dick. He’s a bad man because he’s every flavor of -phobe, a misogynist, and a belligerent jackass who put a single wooden board in a plastic bag like some kind of irascible toddler playing pretend errands with papa’s expired Amex.

We say this about badly behaved men (or in Jennifer’s case, hypothetical men who have done nothing at all) because we want to hit them where it hurts: their quote-unquote manhood. We assume that shitty men care more that their dicks are lacking than their humanity and morals are. Even though Ben Shapiro has more “corrupted soul” energy than little dick energy, maybe we suspect which accusation cuts men like him deeper.

Badly behaved men continue to be public facing at a time when ignoring them feels near impossible. Ben Shapiro has 6.5 million YouTube subscribers and has likely popped up on your parents’ TV screen a few times. Rapist and human trafficker Andrew Tate swiftly poisoned the minds of a generation of men and 11-year-olds who terrify their teachers by talking about being “alphas.” Donald Trump was president and there’s a chance he’ll be again. Or Ron DeSantis will. Or one day Tucker Carlson will. The influence of these men has emboldened hordes of others to be just as arrogant, hateful, or violent, and although they and sundry odious characters like them do not lack condemnable personality traits and behaviors unrelated to their bodies, the easiest thing to say about these monsters who walk among us is that they must have small dicks. Getting into all that’s really wrong with them is just too heavy.

But these public figures will likely never hear us cast these aspersions. Everyday people will.

On a recent episode of another podcast, SUP, hosts Lara and Carey were discussing a guy’s bad behavior, and Lara said he was “giving microdick5 energy.” They went on:

Lara: “Not even that, because I think you can work with a micropenis…”
Carey: “No, you can have a small dick and be hot and great!”
Lara: “It is not about that, it’s about your vibe, and this person’s vibe is fucking cursed.”

This exchange reflects how I’m sure some people feel about small dick insults: They’re OK because they’re not really shaming the body — it’s about the vibe! I spent many years of my life as a fat woman, and invite you to consider how this sounds to me:

“She’s giving fat woman energy.”
“Yeah, and it’s not about being fat! You can be fat and still be hot and great!”
“It’s not about her fat body, it’s that she gives off the vibe of a woman who is insecure about being fat, since fat women have long been maligned and subject to suggestion that they are less feminine and desirable. Nothing wrong with being fat, though!”

Is the ideological difference in the room with us right now?

If we’re cool with small dick jokes or the phrase “small dick energy,” we’re cool with the idea that a smaller penis does or should contribute to insecurity and shame, that it does make a person “less of a man,” that it does mean they can’t please their partner.6 Is this really what progressive society believes? Is this really what we want young people — those with penises and their partners — to think as they grow up?

I can just picture the wringing of hands and gnashing of teeth if Glen Powell’s character made some kind of “hot dog down a hallway” joke about Sydney Sweeney’s character’s genitals. We’d be drowning in think pieces about slut shaming and body shaming and how men don’t understand how vaginas work, and for good reason. “Family Guy” did “loose vagina equals slut”7 back in 2005, gang. I think most of us have moved past quoting Stewie Griffin’s naughtiest one-liners, but in 2023, small dick jokes have the very same vibe: Tired. Besides being illiberal and needlessly cruel, they’re also just so … obvious. Low-hanging fruit. Bad comedy. Please! There’s already too much bad comedy!

Maybe to some, vagina jokes and penis jokes aren’t equivalent. Women have suffered more degradation, objectification, and violence against their bodies, so perhaps small dick jokes feel like punching up. I understand this point of view, but I can’t cosign it as someone who wants everyone, including men, to feel better in and about their bodies. If we want a more tolerant and accepting body culture we have to extend its tenets to everyone.

Society sometimes finds this difficult to do for men. As I wrote in my piece “‘The gym bros all have eating disorders’: OK, now what?”:

Most eating disorder content aimed at women feels like it’s for them: It’s empathetic, supportive, and imbued with solidarity. But most content about eating disorders in men feels like it’s about them: It’s glib, flippant, and positions the creator above the issue, looking down [...] Most people aren’t posting about gym bros with E.D.s to meaningfully examine the why, or to offer the same support we do to women or trans or nonbinary people — they’re posting about gym bros with E.D.s as if to call them out for bad or foolish behavior.

I think people hesitate to extend much sympathy to “gym bro”-types because the stereotypically worst gym bro is considered such an unsavory character. But when one in three people with an eating disorder is male and rates are rising globally, we’re not dealing with stereotypical, theoretical lunkheads, we’re dealing with real men — most of them fine, non-asshole men, in my long gym-going experience — who are not helped by TikToks making fun of them for weighing their chicken.

Similarly, it’s easy to fling small dick jokes and insults around when you imagine their targets are only jerks who deserve to be taken down a peg. When major motion pictures, popular podcasts, and modern parlance deem these insults acceptable, though, their targets are not only monstrous men — they are young boys, trans people, good guys who might already harbor a lot of bodily shame, guys who might spiral into bodily anxiety. I spent too much time feeling that way myself to be willing to use language that could turn that knife around on anyone else. If you desire a better body culture — and it cannot be truly better for any of us if it’s not better for all of us — ask yourself whether you’re willing to, either.

America's small dick joke problem

Body- and sex-positive people need to grapple with the kind of shaming they'll tolerate.

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